Tantum Deae (Only the Goddess )
by Rei13Reaper
Summary: Dead. For a while, that was my entire story, and with no other way to tell it. Death is final. Or at least it should've been final, instead I received a new life. I know what your thinking; Rebirth? Well its true, and none hated the irony more than myself. There's more truths I've been forced to accept, starting with that even though Mikayla Deer is dead... I'm alive, and I'm Eris.
1. Prologue- Dust Clears

**Prologue**

"You cannot climb the ladder of success dressed in the costume of failure"

**A/N**

Okay, so to start off this isn't my first story I've written, but it is the first really thought out one. I have major plans and sixteen chapters written up, so for those who even care to read this this is my baby.

Also, a slight warning, there are major references to tales of the Abyss, but you don't have to have played TOTA to understand this story, but it is mentioned for future reference.

Personally, I'm more proud of the future chapters than this one, but a story has to start _somewhere_, so… Here it is.

Romance? I'm going to say most likely _not_, but it depends on what kind of feedback I get and what people want, because how she ends up love life wise doesn't have much to do with her as a _character_. Of course its important, but with what I have lined up plot wise it doesn't matter which way I go.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy, and I think I might post the next chapter next week for editing and promotional reasons.

:3

Enjoy!

I was dead.

For a while, that was my story. It was all that mattered. There was no other way to say it, to show it, because death is final.

Dead.

But the funny thing is… I don't remember what that felt like. Somehow it felt like it was someone else. And I guess in another life, I really was someone else.

I know what you're thinking. Another life? Oh yeah, because you're dead right? Actually even though I felt like my life was over, because Mikayla Deer was over, I still wasn't _dead_. It wasn't over.

Because the next thing I remember was pain.

My first and only thought I remember was _I died to feel more pain? Seriously? _That wasn't what I was raised to believe. I believed in heaven, but before that I believed in final judgment. So where was the judgment?

_I wanna be judged dammit!_

But then I realized, I could see people. Not only that, people saw _me_. And I felt them too.

The first few minutes were blurring, a mix between feeling, and not feeling. There was crying, and even my own thoughts were blurring at that point, I really had no clue what was going on.

But I'll cut to the chase for you right now.

I was reborn.

I don't remember much at the beginning, except that it was incredibly foggy, I was super small, and I was carried around. Did being dead mean that I floated on clouds aimlessly?

No, that wasn't right. I heard _voices_. Other dead people?

You wouldn't believe how close I was.

The idea of rebirth came slowly, first as a incoherent thought. But the truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is.

And I was forcing myself into ignorance for a while, but as facts began to stack and I could no longer deny it. It didn't mean I had to like it though.

The truth was I was stuck in a body I didn't recall ever being in.

After that, everything was so much harder.

Depression was something labeled as _sadness _or a _feeling_. It was so _so _much more than that.

It was a sickness passed down in my old family, and my mom… It destroyed my family. In more incomprehensible ways than one. It was many, many things that built up, and exploded all at once. I wouldn't have been able to catch up with it if I hadn't been through it myself.

Anyways, that led to another subject; my new family.

After the bittersweet memories of my past family, I could easily say that when I started becoming aware of the people around me, I was very wary. I could tell they cared for me, but the fact was they were not the family I remembered.

After a while, I got used to them. I knew how our little family worked, we lived in a cute home, the family dynamics created a very loving environment. The only thing that kept me from loving them as they loved me was my own abnegation towards my selfishness. I knew deep down the only reason I threw such a fit, refused to acknowledge them as a family was because I didn't want to be here. I had finally done it, the life I ended in cowardice was supposed to be _over_. I didn't want a second chance. I tried telling myself it was because I didn't deserve it, but I knew that wasn't it.

I was now more afraid of death than I ever was before.

That makes no sense right? I _died_ and survived, wouldn't that make it easier to try again? Its so false. If you think about it...The fear of death stemmed from the fear of losing life.

I can promise you I lost my life. But this time I was aware there were consequences to being so reckless.

I just hoped I wasn't around afterwards, but I was reborn. Without any way to get my life back, and plenty of humanity to care that it was gone.

I was flesh and blood. I still felt pain, sadness, and any negative emotion I tried running from. Then came the fear of _no escape_, like I was being constricted by fate with no chance of closure. Everyone wanted closure when they died, and I was unlucky enough to not get it.

Besides that, I also discovered something… Odd, about this new body.

There was a energy of sorts, it was actually much like blood, but I was aware of it. It was kind of cold, and sometimes I felt like if I breathed out, ice would come out. It didn't feel like ice though, it was silkier and it was more like a cold blanket, but on my insides. When I asked my parents about it, they were kind of confused, and just asked if it felt _bad_. It didn't feel bad at all, so I told them the truth and with a final look, they looked away albeit curiously.

Some time passed, and it got strong enough to where I felt I could actually _grip _it, and at certain times, I could physically feel it reacting in accordance with me. And by _me,_ I mean every piece of me. Physically or mentally. If I was shocked it would.. spike, for lack of better word. If I was tired, it would hum softly, as if lulling me to sleep.

So I tried it.

I managed to get it across my fingertips, but It was clear and the only way I noticed it was because it seemed to distort the image around it, like water.

I was so exhausted afterward, I fell asleep instantly without a fuss, which was _very _abnormal. So I took a break, and took to meditating sometimes to be able to see it _inside _me instead of forcing it out. Sometimes my parents would walk in on me doing so, and my older brother would constantly try and get me to move, and it was then I would be forced to move.

Although I would be plenty happy to sit there all day, if my parents didn't think I had a mental problem because of it.

Eventually I became so conscious of the energy, if the buzzing got too annoying I could stop it from moving inside me. I couldn't make it disappear completely of course, but it stopped the thumming.

The place I was in was very curious.

I could understand the language, so I figured I was in familiar, albeit poor, territory. There were several time's where mother would try to play with me, talk to me _anything_ just to get me to respond.

I refused.

She would frown, and call her husband over. I hadn't caught his name, because she always called him 'daddy' for the sake of my learning.

Then he would try, but instead of cooing or trying to get me to engage in childish games, he would do things like read intelligent books to me, or go stargazing, and up at the stars with me next to him. His odd looking dog would sit next to us and allow me to lean on him quietly.

So long as he didn't move. It took a while to get used to the beast.

After a while, I figured out that he was more willing to do these things with me if I smiled once in a while. Yeah, I forgot the most basic thing in any language. Smile if you're enjoying yourself, a sign that you're happy.

So the more I did this, the less worried they became. In fact, they did this more often, and although I didn't reduce myself to childish giggles I still kept smiling for the camera.

I didn't have enough energy to try anything more than that.

I eventually learned my name was Eris, in little tidbits I caught like "Where's Eris?" "Eris, Baby…" or "Eris, your mother is calling." Stuff like that.

I had a older brother too, someone I eventually learned the name of, Lloyd. Of course, it was the name of the main character in my favorite video game in my past life. So I kinda went _hey, his name is Lloyd! _without really connecting the dots just yet.

Since you've already kinda figured it out, yeah. My parents were Kratos and Anna Aurion. I figured it out while listening in on their conversation without them knowing when I was one and a half.

I'm ashamed to say I started screaming right then and there. But I'm not ashamed to say my first words were "Beaver whore".

I threw a tantrum when either tried comforting me, then my three year old brother started sobbing as well and wouldn't stop until I did.

I got over it.

My _father_, Kratos the Hero was watching us from his spot on the ground, and I stuck to eying Lloyd as he babbled energetically to me, as if trying to get me to play. He handed me a toy, and I held it awkwardly as he continued making pointless chatter. The sunset was making their skin glow in a pretty amber hue, and I wondered if my eyes matched the sky as well as my father's and brother's did, or if my eyes were the forest green in my mothers.

I knew my parents were growing worried because I hadn't spoken or made any sound in a long while. I did sometimes, just to hear the sound of my own voice and make sure _yes, I exist and yes, I am actually stuck in a childs body_, but I hadn't actually spoken. It was too annoying to speak with my chubby mouth and swollen feeling vocal cords.

Noishe was trotting around us, once in a while nudging Lloyd playfully. He would simply giggle, and I would back up every time the beast got closer. I never liked dogs as much, I was very afraid.

The large protozoan seemed to notice that I hadn't moved an inch, and feeling like he couldn't exclude me, softly jumped on me and nuzzled my face eagerly.

"Noi! Sop!" I exclaimed, my vocal capabilities not up to par with my knowledge to give the dog the scolding I wanted.

Lloyd giggled, and resumed playing as I scooted away from Noishe, who went back to playing with the boy.

I sat closer to my father. I had already gotten over the fact that he was a _videogame character_, and now I accepted him as the father figure he was supposed to be. I knew he and Anna were to disappear from my life in less than a year, but was it fair to treat them like they purposefully walked out on my life for my own emotional protection? Because that was far from it, I knew if Kratos could, he would have kept his life the way it was at the time forever.

It was a constant battle to ignore my worsening depression though, and it was even worse that I knew this world would never understand it for what it was. I thought I would be free of this curse in this life, but after I realized it was exactly like it was for Mikayla as it was for Eris. Except unlike who I _was_, I felt in this life I could actually fight against it.

I was healthy here, and I'd be damned if I wasted that.

Yes, I was reduced to referring to Eris and Mikayla as two different creatures. For some reason it was hard to accept us both as the same thing. Which was _still_ confusing. If they are different, who am I now? But many times we were both the same too. I wasn't sure if I _stole_ this body, or if it was made from my soul or something. Maybe Eris died in the rockfall and Kratos never mentioned it? I didn't know.

But for some reason I felt as if this body was the latter, _stolen_, and that Mikayla's memories weren't mine, as if even though I was suffering for them, they didn't belong to me.

All I needed was one push in either direction, and it was what happened next that made me realize; I'm neither one or the other.

There's Mikayla, Anna's daughter, then theres me.

Eris.

.

It started out a fairly peaceful day, I was actually meditating without interruption for the first time in what seemed forever. My brother had fallen asleep sprawled out asleep(And snoring) all over his toys, Mom was cooking in the kitchen and 'Dad' was doing something outside.

Until he slammed the door open, and immediately ran into the kitchen.

Him and 'Mom' were talking in hushed voices for several minutes, and Lloyd was wide awake after our father had stormed through the door.

We were awaiting anxiously, me even more so because something was very, _very _wrong, And I was the only one smart enough at the time to realize that. I knew I was panicking, but millions of different possibilities were running through my head. Did someone get hurt? Sick?

The next thing I knew, Dad and Mom swiftly left the kitchen, dad picking me up and Mom Lloyd, abandoning all things except a sword I never knew my dad had, as we ran full speed ahead out the door. Mom rode on our horse, dog thing that was called Noishe.

We were running for only thirty minutes when we started being chased. I had no clue what was happening, and I was growing increasingly worried.

Then we were cornered at a cliff.

"Its about time I caught you."

A man stepped forward, and my father put me down and drew his blade. What happened next made my heart stop, my mind pound and flipped my world upside down.

"Kvar…!"My father growled, holding out his blade, standing in front of me protectively. Kvar was a stupid name. I had only heard that name once, and it was in a RPG _videogame._

Wait.

_Its happening._

"Kratos, you have stolen what rightfully belongs to me. Give it back, and I might spare you."

_Its happening…!_

"Leave my family alone…!" My father, _Kratos Aurion,_ stepped forward and prepared himself to fight.

_**Anna is about to die. Such is the way of the world. You'll get used to it.**_

"Anna!"

I felt a breathtaking pain in my chest, Cutting off my major panic attack at the realization. My head was spinning, I knew, I _knew, _There was no way I could survive this, I'm not strong enough, so many terrible things are going to happen-!

The rest was a blur, I felt the familiar haze of a concussion, I felt my legs give out, and became completely unaware of anything happening. There was so much crying, and screaming, my family was being physically and mentally _torn apart_, and I was too weak to do anything.

I was falling. Later I could piece together what happened, Kratos watched as they, _we _fell, and tried to find us hoping to any deity out there that he could find us only to see nothing in sight.

I passed out upon impact, alone and far away from anyone in my 'family' who could have helped me.

But my life was far from over.

.


	2. Chapter 1- The Day I Died Again

**Chapter 1**

**The Day I Died Again**

"The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time."

**A/N**

So… I edited this sooner than I expected, and just in time actually since I'm leaving tomorrow for Utah.

So _Anyways_, here it is, so… Enjoy, maybe?

* * *

Everything after was confusing and mixed together, And it in some distorted way it reminded me of the time I was a newborn baby. But I do remember being picked up, and something that sounded much like the clatter of a carriage. There were voices, and I felt people touching me in a way that felt like they were tending to the wounds I definitely had. And what I knew was what it was; Somehow I had survived, and been rescued.

The first time I woke up, and _stayed _that way longer than five minutes, I found myself in a unfamiliar, fairly modern by my standards room. I spent the thirty minutes I had alone blankly staring at a wall, replaying every little thing I had experienced in this life, and especially one little fact.

I knew… and the only time I cared to act was when it was hurting _me._ why did I wait? Why, why, _why_? Anna could have lived. Kratos and Lloyd could have been happy, and maybe I could have to. But I mattered little, because…

_What could I have done…? _I thought to myself, and somehow it sounded quiet, and someone cut off. But even so, I knew it was the truth. It was terrifying, I wished that I could have done something, but I was two going on to three years old, what option did I have? But I could have at least tried _something_, so… Why didn't I…? I knew it was because I was afraid to try. _I_ wanted to die, but watching a family, _my_ family being torn apart was just enough for me to realize I couldn't leave the world like this, I had to do something. No matter how little I changed.

I knew I was never meant to exist. Eris didn't exist in canon, so what right did she have to exist here? I knew it wasn't fair, because I was _born _here, and even though I didn't want this second chance, its not like I could get up the courage to get rid of it again myself like last time.

And unlike the first time around, I felt like I had a responsibility to continue living.

_I need to make sure this can't happen again… _

It hurt. And it was because I spent all that time wallowing in my misery, instead of doing something, or even _saying_ something like I could have. But again, what could I do? I was how old… Two? Three? I hated myself. I wanted to be strong so I could keep up with this world, and protect myself from the inevitable. These thoughts were repeated over and over again in a vicious cycle of self loathing and acceptance, until I distantly heard the sound of a door opening as I was stuck in my thoughts.

"Your awake!"

I turned to the voice, and saw a cute blond little girl smiling at me as she walked closer to where I was laying, and sat at the edge of my bed. Upon closer look, I realized she was actually quite pretty, with bright green eyes and two prominent dimples.

"How are you feeling? Are your wounds bugging you?" I shifted a bit, trying to sit up and although I succeeded, it came at a price because I realized just how much I was _aching_. I flinched, looking up to the 'older' girl who was smiling calmly down at me, waiting for an answer.

"Bugging... isn't the ta' right word." I mumbled sarcastically, placing my small hands in my lap.

I heard I surprised choke, then a laugh, and I noticed an elderly black haired woman walking in after the younger girl. She had a long skirt and blouse, green blue eyes, and tan, _tan _skin. "My my, you are quite the witty one, aren't you?"

I saw that she looked much like a gypsy from world war two, with her clothing, tan skin and mischievous eyes. They glittered with life, despite her age, and her lean body figure seemed to match the youth in her eyes, but I could also tell she was far from her prime, but not quite suffering from the old age because the slight wrinkles she had earned accenting her face.

I remained quiet, not feeling enough energy to cough up a response. Realizing I wasn't going to speak, she sighed and held a strange device up to my head. "You gave us quite the scare… We were on our way back from a clients house, and our small group ran into you! You were a mess, if I say so myself. Your lucky we found you when we did girlie."

She softly gripped my chin to get a better angle I suppose, and I debated on keeping silent, but my curiosity won out. I sighed. "What happened… Exactly?" I spoke quietly, realizing how sore my throat was.

"Ah…" She murmured, putting whatever she held up to my skull away and sitting in between me and the blonde girl. "Thats not a tale you wish me to tell you, I'm sure."

I scowled at her, and whispered, "Really? I watched my family get torn apart with my own eyes. What c ou' make it worse?"

The woman let out a low chuckle, not hesitating for a second at the weight I felt in my words and I couldn't help but wonder if my statement was really so pathetic to laugh at. Closing her eyes and made an odd frown, as she tugged the blond child closer. "You are very intelligent, for a girl so young." Pinching the youngers cheeks affectionately, a small, sincere smile sliding across her lips, she said "This is my granddaughter, Katherine. _My_ name is Tia Vallance… May I ask you for your name?"

For some reason, I felt very uncomfortable answering that question. I felt like I wanted to answer with my old name, not this fake otherworldly name. At least the name Lloyd and Colette were actual _names _in our world, although rare. I had never heard of someone named _Eris _at home, unless it was from some other country_. _

"… Where am I?" I asked instead, waiting until I became more comfortable with my name of this world. I didn't know what _Mikayla _meant here, for all I knew it could be something embarrassing.

She frowned again, but her expression turned back to normal moments after, leaving me wondering what she was thinking before. Was she sad I didn't give her my name? "You're in Palmacosta… Quite a ways from where we found you. But we took you to our house. We're traveling doctors, you see."

I gulped, realizing just what position I was in. _Palmacosta_? Palmacosta gets _obliterated_, destroyed by the Great... Tree of… Mana, I think it was called. Then I found myself wondering… am I going to be stuck here forever? Get to know these people, knowing all the while what awaits them? I didn't want to be here!

But for now, I at least knew where I was, for which I was very grateful. Far away from where Lloyd I was sure, but I knew for a fact he would be just fine without me.

_Better than alright I think..._

"What's going to happen to me?" I asked, now relaxing a bit. Being tense and twitchy would only make things worse, and I had a headache that I really didn't want to deal with. Besides, I didn't think they would hurt me too badly if at all.

The woman, Tia, hummed softly as she watched me with calculating eyes. She stood up and walked behind me, I watched her slightly with my eyes as she picked up a photo.

"Hm… Assuming you can't go back to where you came from-" I winced. "-You will most likely stay here… In the Palmacosta orphanage."

Katherine was glancing between us, seemingly nervous. She hesitated, but with her apparent straight forward nature got over the urge to remain unnoticed.

"The orphanage isn't as bad as you would think."She started, and I looked to her by the edge of my vision. "Its actually pretty fun, there's a lot of kids there." She tried comforting, but with no avail. A orphanage was the last place I wanted to be, at the very least I wanted to be left to my _own_ devices.

I remained silent once again, I knew there was no other option, so I didn't hesitate to ask for one. After a sad shake of the head, I simply sighed and asked them to give me some space. Being the decent people they were, they willingly complied.

.

The next few months were spent recovering. It was a long and grueling process that I would give anything to speed up. I also learned that the device she consistently put behind my ear was a Manameter. It measures the mana density, much like the blood pressure things you would have used at the doctors office in my last life.

I thought it was the coolest thing, and Tia seemed very amused by my fascination but honestly…. You don't see something that shows you stuff about your actual _lifeforce _everyday, and I was fairly certain nothing like that existed back home, and if it did it wasn't to a science I was sure.

It was during that I finally told her my name.

"... You can call me Eris." I told her one day, shifting uncomfortably as she analized the Manameter for the upteenth time. "Or whatever. I don't really care…"

The woman simply smiled, and handed me something to drink and placing down her manameter and grabbing some coins.

"Oh, but you should care." She ruffled my hair, her smile turning into a grin. "Eris is such a lovely name. And a unique name too… In fact, the name Eris is mentioned in the ancient healing manuscripts in the Church of Martel. Actually…"

* * *

It was also during that time, I had some more time to think about my predicament. For a second I wondered where I was in the timeline, but then I remembered I was born only a year and a half younger than Lloyd, so that meant I basically landed myself right in the middle of all the problems this world had to offer.

Well. Not all, Kratos is in the middle of literally every _single _problem in this worlds condition.

_The poor man.._

But the point was… I didn't know what to do. Why should I do anything at all? It wasn't my world. I already lived, what was _I_ entitled to do?

All I was going to do was help myself, despite my earlier resolve to change even the little things. Things would work out anyway, they were fine in the game without my intervention except for Palmacosta, but it _had _to happen… Right? I just had to make sure I didn't get close to anyone, because the chosen's group got what they wanted.

So I didn't bother thinking about the future, except for how it would help _me_.

* * *

After that, I was sent to the orphanage. My wounds were still healing, but they were manageable enough to be left to my own devices. I shared a room with a girl named Ann Glover, she was a sweet girl, although she was somewhat odd. And by odd, I meant by this world's standards.

She was a half elf.

She didn't tell anyone though, I just kinda figured it out with my mana sense.

Yes, eventually I figured out the cold substance running through me was actually _mana._ It was a odd thing, apparently even odder that me as a human could sense it. I knew _why_ I could, but I couldn't exactly tell _them_. So I was reduced to keeping my Mana sensing a secret.

Unfortunately, that meant I couldn't tell Ann that I knew at all, let alone how.

Which was fine, I supposed, since I wasn't supposed to get close to her.

* * *

It was rainy, in the season we were in. This world called it Euros. I was assuming it was this worlds September or something close to that, because new years is in a season called Chione. It was always wet, and I was one of the unlucky few that managed to catch a cold in this season. Luckily though, this meant I was one of the few who got warm clothing, consisting of a large gray and blue striped sweater. But to balance that out, I also got gray shorts and rather worn down shoes. But my auburn hair was rather short, so I was hoping this body grew hair as fast as my last.

Palmacosta was a very crowded city too. On my time off and after I recovered from my cold enough to go outside, I found that my claustrophobia didn't abandon me along with my last life. So I usually took to sitting on roofs or high places to get away from the orphanage to read or something.

I found I quite liked heights actually, something that was very Mikayla. She loved heights too, but in this body I could go higher, without worrying about too bad of injury. I usually spent several hours in various places like that, reading and avoiding crowd.

I knew _falling off a cliff_ should have induced some fear of heights or something, but to be honest, for some reason I could never say for certain it didn't bother me. Sure the whole incident itself scarred me, and if I were to go back to the area it happened there were sure to be bad memories waiting for me, but _here_, being up high didn't matter much.

Of course I had to get my books for entertainment from _somewhere_, and that somewhere was actually at the bookstore across the Inn.

I wasn't sure who owned it, but they actually had fairly good books. With the memories of my past life, the stories told here seemed far fetched. Like, our books were about The Hunger Games and a giant school for teenage wizards? Imagine someone like Kratos, or the Sage siblings reading them. They'd probably be weirded out and confused, and for a while, so was I. This world was far fetched, but its probably because I was _in_ a fantasy, what was the point in reading it?

I found myself reading about this world's history and science instead. My old world was very technology and math based, and this world was also _centered_ around science and religious studies.

In the orphanage, the Religion of Martel was commonly taught. Usually I could get out of it, but on certain days they would force me to join them. It wasn't that I was dedicated to my past morals(I _was_ somewhat, but it wasn't enough for me to avoid an entire religion for that purpose alone), it was more that I knew that the church was a means for control instead of hope, not that the leaders knew that.

"The great tree was the founder of this world. This tree was the sustenance of life, and with its power made the perfect being in it glory; The Goddess Martel." A visiting priest said serenely, sitting on the rocking chair as my fellow toddlers circled around him, watching him intently as he told the legend spoke thousand times over.

"The Goddess Martel provided us with the power of agency to choose. She trusted us to use the combined power of her gifts and Mana to coexist with this world happily." I simply tried to tune him out, knowing that knowing this was only going to bother me. Which was a stupid and immature thing to do by all rights, but it wasn't like I'd admit it at the time.

Of course, the old man noticed my lack of interaction compared to the other children and turned his attention to me.

"Young Eris… If you had the power to do anything in this world and succeed, what would you do?"

I looked up at him, noticing his eyes wrinkling of old age as he smiled. I could tell he was genuinely worried, but only because I didn't drink up the lies of this world without question like the other children.

I was only three.

I wasn't allowed to have an opinion.

Not in this world.

"Nothing." I finally answered, looking down bitterly. I knew that this religion was used to control people, and was involved with the cause of so many deaths in this world. "What I want doesn't exist here anymore."

The elderly priest frowned, and I knew he believed I was talking about my family. Maybe I was, but the fact still stood this wasn't even _my world._ Why should I help it? Sure, I was going to be stuck here for the rest of my life(Or _this_ life at least), but I'm not even supposed to exist, let alone change anything. I had my chance at life, I just wanted to be left alone. No matter how much it seemed I was simply spitting at the second chance I got with this new life.

"Hm… The Goddess Martel gave us the power of mana, so we had the strength to _change_ our lifes in any scope." He preached, and I vaguely recognised this. _With this new body, I can fight_ and _With the power of mana, I can become strong. _But it wasn't like his religion was getting through to me, more like offering me a idea.

"You have that ability. Mana is more than the energy that keeps us alive. It _brings _us to life, and we have the ability to do that for ourselves."

He turned to the rest of the children, taking the majority of his attention off of me, for which I was glad for because I was sure amusement was not the right reaction. I couldn't help it, every time I saw a Chapel Priest walk by, I always imagined those comedic murder mystery shows, particularly one called _Psych_.

"This is the gift Martel gave us. Because she loves us."

* * *

I had eventually found a spot above the library, which I could climb up a set of stairs that consisted of boxes and other various unstable things to get up, to simply sit there to read or eat or whatever. I found I still had cravings for Tea, but unlike my last life for some reason, I _hated _fruit Tea. I didn't mind it back then, but the unwarranted hatred in this life was unexpected. Usually, It was a pretty good place to hide out when the orphanage employees tried forcing me to listen to the 'educating' priest. Or for any other reasons. I was never found there before.

Luckily.

"Gather around you human _vermin_!"

I jolted from my reading place, recognizing that tone of voice. I wasn't sure exactly, but…

_Wait… isn't this…?_

I stood up from my seat, and quietly and inconspicuously as possible creeped to a spot on the roof I could see what was happening. The bookstore roof gave me a decent view of Palmacosta's plaza, and although I had limited details, I could see one pile of red hair perfectly enough to recognise.

_Magnius._

I had only been here for three years, and I was already encountering the dangers this world had to offer.

"You haven't paid your taxes in quite some time, _Dorr_." He boomed, and I watched as the citizens and people of the like cowered in fear. "What happened? Lose too many citizens? Because I think…" At that point he had grabbed the youngest blond man's hair rather roughly, grinning maliciously. "You can afford to lose one more!"

It was rather sad, so see a grown man being handled like a little slave girl, but I suppose thats kind of what we were to the Desians. A bunch of slaves, or cattle for the slaughter. And Magnius loved it, which wasn't a secret in the game either.

The older 'Dorr' fellow, crouched in a way that made him look ready to pounce at Magnius, who handled the younger man with little care. But before anything could happen, the young man in questioned yelled "Wait!"

All eyes turned toward the younger man, as he stopped struggling in the Cardinals hands.

"Father! Don't! We can't afford to give in to this!" He cried out.

The man's 'father' hesitated, then after a moments thought he said "Thats right… If you kill my son, I have no reason to stoop down to working for you!"

Just like that, it was as if he signed his life away.

Before anyone could act, Magnius snapped his fingers and in the blink of an eye, Dorr had three desians surrounding him, and three spears to the heart.

I had experience with death. But handling the _consequences_ of it personally and seeing it in _action_ were two completely different things. There were gasps, and many people cried out. I froze as the man still hung on the spears, and his son stared in shock, and without much care the larger half elf threw him down in front of his father, and sure enough he fell to the ground in utter despair.

"Father…" The young blond called out weakly. "Father… Father, Father!" The grand cardinal turned to walk away, as the three Half elves surrounding the dead man cut him in pieces to release their weapons from his corpse holding them in place before following after their leader.

Everyone was silent in horror, I assumed this had happened before, but the fact their beloved leader died so pathetically must have been traumatizing. I knew _I _was traumatized, and my idea to get away from Palmacosta seemed just that much more appealing.

"Let this be a warning to you human swine…" The voice boomed, and my eyes snapped to complete attention to regard the red haired man speaking. "If any of you dare to defy the Desians, we will wreak havoc on your pathetic little lives!" Magnius announced proudly, walking in the direction of the exit.

The people near him cowered away in fear I'm sure praying to any deity out there that they weren't called out, and I hid myself more as he passed the building I had hid out in.

How did I forget about the _Desians_?! They were the worst things the story had to offer. If I forgot about this, what else have I forgotten?

Dwelling on these thoughts, I made my way to the orphanage begrudgingly, not caring that I would probably have to deal with fussing orphanage workers.

* * *

The following weeks were devastatingly quiet. People were too scared to leave their houses, and I wasn't allowed out of my building of residence for a long time. I _guessed _I scared them with my absence during the horrible events. I heard rumors of peoples parents being taken into the ranch from the new children in the orphanage(Not that I doubted them), and there was lots of mourning for our lost Governor- General Dorr.

Yes, the man that died was the canon Dorr's _Father_, not the _traitor_ General-Governor. The son was the Dorr I remembered, about to take his fathers place. There was no sign of his wife's disappearance, so I wasn't sure if he was even married, or his daughter born at all yet.

After the murder of the Royal family Governor, there was an unspoken kill order on Half elves. I grew increasingly worried for my roommate Ann, and I noticed after the recent events she grew shakier and shakier every time the 'atrocity of the half elves' was brought up.

At one point I caught her praying out loud, and I knew this was a very sacred thing to the people of this world, so I remained silent and hoped I didn't distract her.

"Oh goddess Martel, If you can hear my prayer… Please give us the strength to make it through these hard times… Protect me, and give me protection against the anger of the people. Bring us Salvation, Goddess, please, _please_ help us…"

Children were confused, and wondered what happened. I could practically taste the nervous buzz of the exuded mana in the air, it made me feel like I was drowning in negativity. And body odor, because that's kind of what its presence felt like.

There were more Orphans, two new ones bunking in the room next to me. Kaiden and another boy named Shirley. Kaiden was a loud one, and I decided I did _not _want to go near him.

It was more horrible than it was portrayed in the game. All it focused on was the events, but what they failed to convey was the suffering of a _thousandyears _at the hands of the Desians and ultimately, Mithos_._

* * *

It wasn't until I was five they loosened their grip on me again, and I was allowed out of the orphanage without too many problems. The first thing I set out to do was read up on the roof of the library. On my way there, I ran into a familiar orange haired half elf.

For the past two years, I had seen her come and go. Most of the time she was cooped up in our room, reading. She had this funny thing where she refused to let anyone read over her shoulder though, and although I completely understood that, I had tried because the cover looked interesting. She immediately angled herself away from prying eyes at the sight of this, and I backed away in surrender.

She was leaning on the side of the bridge, watching the fishers below store their fishing gear for the winter. I debated on leaving her alone, but after one more look at her and a memory of a certain prayer, I sighed and made my way over to her.

"So… You like Tea?" She turned her head over to my direction, eyes widening.

"E-Eris!" She blushed shyly, brushing her bangs out of her pretty purple eyes. "I… I didn't see you there!"

I crossed my arms, feeling awkward. If I ever really talked to her, I should have remembered she was a shy one, but… Between thinking about the destruction of Palmacosta and how I was going to get strong, I never stopped to honestly look around at the world surrounding me.

I bit back my nerves, trying to forget all that for a moment. I wanted to comfort the suffering Half elf, for reasons I couldn't explain.

"Tea?"

She jolted. "O-Oh! Yeah! I do! Why do you ask..?"

We both ended up on my favorite library roof, sitting on a small blanket with two cold cups of green tea. It was a quiet walk up, and the mood hadn't changed yet.

"Its not very good," I told her, taking a sip. "But its my favorite, so I try and save it when I get the money…Thats why its cold."

She shook her head rather violently. "No, no! Its perfect, I just…" She twiddled her thumbs. "This roof… Is this where you always go?"

I nodded, setting my wooden cup down. "If you don't mind… can you keep this a secret? Its kind of a special place for me."

She nodded. "Of course! But…" She blushed. "Why did you bring _me_ up here then?"

I groaned, and leaned against the crates trying to look relaxed. There were many of them, making a barrier of sorts against the world, and blocking out everything but the sky when you were below them.

"I don't have much friends… And you _are _my roommate." I said, not truly answering the question.

"O-Oh, yeah… of course…"

We were both silent, neither knowing what to say. We were both quiet, her by nature and me from circumstance, so it was comfortably uncomfortable.

"Eris..?"

"Hm?"

"Are we… friends?"

I looked at her, noticing the way her eyes glinted hopefully. The mana located in her body looked like it was waving hopefully like a candle, and I imagined myself blowing it out as I told her 'no'. I wondered for a minute what it would be like to have a childhood friend. In my old life, all I had were new friends that came and went, never anyone that stuck by me.

I knew the future, which was fine. The problem was I didn't know hers. How could I keep her safe from myself, and my knowledge? I would break if she ever disappeared _because _of me. But right when I was about to say no I thought unceremoniously, _If I was strong enough to protect her? _

Then, I sighed. Selfishly, I made a plan to protect myself. To find a way to get strong, and hold her close without putting so much risk. It wasn't me that would hurt her, if she disappeared, it would hurt _me._

"Not today. But maybe soon."


	3. Chapter 2- True Strength

**Chapter 2**

**True Strength**

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

**A/N**

**Yeah, this one is kind of short. It took me a while to edit, just because when I started writing this, I was… worse. **

**Anyways, if the whole "How did she get all the way to Palmacosta from Iselia" thing bothered you, it's going to be explained in later chapters by Tia, but it doesn't really matter if I tell you. **

**Tia was coming back from healing someone above Iselia. I'm sure there are people other than Dirk that live past there. In my story, It was in a small harbor there, were in times for easy sea travel, Travelers could go from there to another place above Luin. This place will also be mentioned later. Its like how Camberto caves are always there, but it was never mentioned in the first game, and how the Balacruf seal exists in the first game, but the main entrance doesn't exist in the second. But they are all still there, just never 'mentioned'.**

**Anyways, having used up all her supplies, she couldn't heal Eris completely. Falling from a cliff is bound to be painful, and she was in a **_**cart **_**the majority of the time. So Tia kept her unconscious to spare her from the pain, unbeknownst and so far unquestioned by Eris herself. **

**Also, the entire story is in Eris's point of view,UNLESS SAID OTHERWISE. And you'll know because it will say. **

**Anyways, second chapter is up…. Hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

Apparently 'not today' meant 'basically we're friends now' because after our little conversation on the roof, Ann was extra friendly towards me. Impressively, she wasn't clingy at all like I expected from someone of her age and status. She never went to my rooftop hideout without my permission, and she didn't follow me around or beg me to play with her every chance she got, instead accepting I was a individual girl who liked my individual _time_ .

No, the defining points in our growing relationship was more subtle things, like before bed she would tell me good night, or if I finished a book she would recomend one of her own favorites. It took a while, but before I realized it, I grew quite fond of the young half elf girl. But that was extremely scary, because I was afraid to get attached to anyone in this world. Not until I was strong at least. I didn't want to risk losing someone I was close to because I was weak again.

That strength I searched for came in the form of a familiar old woman.

I had purchased a book on rouge style fighting. It was basically a book on being a thief, and it wasn't quite what I wanted because I wanted to _protect people._

But on top of all that, I wanted to protect _myself_. So I took what I had, knowing that offense could be my defense. After all, I didn't know what being a thief consisted of just yet. So I bought it, and the owner gave it to me with only a raised eyebrow and slight hesitation. A week later I was caught reading it in the orphanage by one of the more religious volunteers in the orphanage.

"You want to be a _thief?_" A young caretaker for the Palmacosta chapel scolded me, an incredulous look in his eyes. I scowled at this, turning away from him in a subtle, but noticeable act of childish defiance.

"I want to be _strong_." I corrected, becoming more defensive with every word he narrowmindedly threw out.

"Strong…? _Strong_? Strength does not come from thievery!"

"I'm not going to be a thief!" I continued scowling, crossing my arms. "I'm going to learn to protect myself!"

He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "We knew you were an odd one, but… The priest had so much faith in you, and you're going to throw that aside for this evil?"

I sighed. I didn't understand, fighting was fighting, no matter what style, the only difference was how willing you were to play dirty.

_**He's just too scared to fight for himself… Its fine if lives are lost, as long as he can't be blamed for it. Reminds me of someone I knew...**_

I kept glaring at him, not in control of the last negative thought in my head, but not really caring at the same time. It was kind of true, he only got off because he had never felt the sting of danger before. Except I had no clue how the situation reminded me of anyone...

"What's wrong with it? I think its a good idea for the girl to defend herself."

I turned around, the storm of contention seeming to calm. Seeing a very familiar sight of a black haired woman walking in with a blond haired girl. I was rather surprised she even bothered _saying _anything, let alone for _me_.

"Tia…?" I murmured, tilting my head.

The woman grinned, crossing her arms. "Ah! So you remember me after all these years! But _I_ could never forget a face like yours…"

The way she said that made it sound like there was more to the statement then I knew, but I knew there was no way to understand what she truly meant at that moment. So instead, I smiled a little bit as I ignored the irritating young man behind me and turned to the blond girl that accompanied Tia. "You're… Katherine, right?"

The girl grinned, saluting me with a goofy grin resembling her grandmothers. "Thats me! You have a good memory!"

Tia hummed a bit, walking closer to me with a curious look. "How old are you now? Six?"

I nodded, blinking up at the question curiously. The elder woman nodded to herself, and turned to the blond. "Katherine, how old were you when I started training you..?"

The girl blinked once, and said "Seven, grandma… Are you…?"

Seeming to have resolved something, Tia nodded one last time. She turned to me and said, "Eris... Would you like me to train you to fight?"

* * *

I stared at her, wide eyed, I couldn't believe it. I was going to be trained how to fight, _to protect myself._ I felt my heart pound, as I watched the woman sitting on the log in front of me intently. She simply sharpened the stick in her hand, not looking up.

I wondered just what kind of hobbies the woman had to be able to fight _and _heal sufficiently, but then I remembered she was old, and that gave you a lot of time to learn different things.

"The style I'm about to teach you has been taught in my family for generations… Some would say the dagger is a dishonorable and evil weapon, because the ancient manuscripts in the church of Martel use them as a symbolism for cutting off ties with salvation and the Goddess herself."

She tossed me the sharp stick, and I gingerly caught it. _A stick? _I eyed it, my enthusiasm dying down. She continued speaking.

"I beg to differ."

I tilted my head curiously, as she lazily gestured towards me.

"You aren't going to be receiving any training today… But there are some things I must tell you about your training.

"The Dagger in my families historic culture represents the division of Negative mana and Positive Mana. It also represents our shadow, as it is believed in ancient times the weapon itself could sever the darkness from our hearts. The style I'm about to teach you requires diligence, and using a dagger means you you accept that the possibilities in both the positive and negative element."

"Like… Light and dark?" I squeaked, hating the way my voice sounded in this young body.

"Pretty much..." She congratulated, her tone sounding impressed. "Light and dark are the head of two types of Mana, Negative and Positive. They represent past and future. Both can provide you with power, but only one can provide you strength. Very few are aware of their mana enough to have this fact truly affect them... But this is simply the history, it has nothing to do iwth your training."

"So I'm not using this type of thing in a fight?" I asked, genuinely hopeful she would teach me how. I could already sense my mana, what else did I need to know? And what kind of power was it? I didn't really get it, but I was curious to know.

"Are you nuts? You'll be lucky if you ever _see _someone with that ability in your _life time_. And I have no clue what it really even is."

I faltered. "U-uh… Okay…"

She waved her hand. "Anyways, First thing tomorrow morning we will be working on your reflexes and flexibility." She gestured to my carved wooden dagger. "Carry your stick around, get used to the feel of always having it with you. Never leave it anywhere, or your training is over."

I jolted in shock. Over? For losing a stick?!

"Wh- what?"

"Don't question why, just do it. There will be no other stick like that one. Its special!"

I resisted the urge to question it again. "Alright."

* * *

I made it a week without losing the stick.

Every morning I would do stretches that hurt like _hell_, then she would throw eggs at me from so many different angles, I was worried there was multiples of her. But if there was one thing I learned, it was that Tia was _fast._

After three weeks, we got started on dagger wielding basics, and I was impressed with how well this body moved.

Sure, I had a _long_ way to go until I was at Tia's level(And according to her, the only thing she could do was mediocrely fight bandits) but she said I would be able to get to her level in no time, something I was relieved for.

Weeks later, and the month was turning into Chione, this worlds December. Most of the months were called something pretty close to our seasons, like January is Janus in this world.

It got colder, and my training harsher. Eventually I got into learning martial arts, and thats when my fitness got more calculated.

I didn't learn _too _much about martial arts, since I was still young, but just enough for me to feel like a natural by the time I was a teen, and to defend myself long enough to get away from a fight.

I still focused on flexibility and reflexes, and now I was working on retreat methods. We also went through different moves, and the way I was taught reminded me of the times I used to dance, so it wasn't exactly unfamiliar.

She taught me how to utilize small bombs and make poisons, but she refused to let me use anything until I got to the point I could use a real dagger.

"You have to trust _yourself _first, _then_ your weapon. Everything else comes second to that, everything else is just a tool." Tia would tell me if I ever asked to try a dagger.

Every morning before leaving, I would make sure to grab that stick, and kept it close everywhere else I decided to go.

* * *

"You're short!" Tia exclaimed, snorting in uncontrollable laughter as she held herself on the table as if she would fall over otherwise.

It was amazing how I could survive rigorous training on a daily basis, a deadly cliff, a Desian infested world and yet I couldn't handle being laughed at for my especially embarrassing efforts of reaching up a table for a drink. In this world, I wasnt really that tall, and up until that point I had never considered myself short, and although I kinda liked being short for some reason, being made fun of for it...

"Hey… I'm still growing you know…" I mumbled disdainfully, taking a sip of the drink I fought to reach for so hard as I blushed in embarrassment.

"Yeah… Horizontally."

"W-what? No way! I'm pretty sure I'm growing _taller._"

I still couldn't help but sneak a glance at my stomach to make sure she wasn't lying.

"Pffft, please short stuff, if I was sure you would grow to be tall, I would be teaching you how to use a _sword _instead of a dagger_._"

I puffed out my cheeks, looking away from her indignantly. "Height and swords are overrated! _Everyone _has them anyway!"

"You're just saying that because you wish you could use one!" she snarked, taking a bite of her sandwich.

I huffed. "I don't have to respond to that."

Tia simply chuckled, closing her eyes with a very content look. She was silent, and I glanced at her a bit, noticing she then donned a thoughtful expression instead of a amused one.

"No. I suppose you don't."

.

Me and Ann were growing closer every day, and the more confident I got in my skills, the more I was willing to let her around me. We got to know each other rather well. I unwillingly allowed myself to grow closer to her, but after a few months of the same routine, I decided that if she wanted to be around someone like me, it was her own problem. It was one special one day in particular on that same library roof we first got to know each other, that I realized Ann wanting to be my friend was less of a downfall, and more of a...what was the word? A schadenfreude on my part. And although the girl should have, It didn't seem like she considered being my friend a misfortune.

"... Eris?" I heard her call out quietly.

"... Yeah?"

"Do you… remember what your family was like?"

I turned to her, curious as to why she would ask. It helped that I already lost my real family from my last life, so losing my flesh and blood of _this _world didn't hurt as bad as most may think. But watching them all die was incredibly scarring, so it was less of 'They're all gone' and more of 'Its my fault their dead, I lost them because I didn't do anything'.

The point was, even if I _should _have been used to it, I wasn't. I didn't want to think about it more than necessary because it still hurt.

"... Somewhat."

She nodded, whispering "I see…"

We were both silent. Me wondering what she was getting at, and she contemplating her next words, before she spoke again.

"My brothers... are Desians."

I looked at her, shocked. She was basically confessing she was a half elf.

She turned to me sadly, and began to explain.

"My family was offered the chance to work with them… We were refugees running from people who hated us. I don't remember what it was like when we were on the run, because after I turned two, we told people we were humans from a island with a strange culture. But while my mother refused the Desians offer, my brothers… Allan and Abe joined them. My parents died soon after after being attacked by a sand monster in triet."

I was speechless. I had no clue what to say, how to answer it. I felt like I should comfort her, but... But I had a question.

"Why don't you go with them?"

Her eyes snapped to me, surprised. I elaborated, shifting my body towards her. I knew that she took note of the fact I said 'don't' instead of 'did not'.

"Whats stopping you..? Don't you want to be with them, your siblings?" I knew if I could, if I wasn't scared… I would go be with Lloyd. If I could travel, if I wasn't scared, if I felt like I deserved a family, a second chance…

_If if if..._

She looked at me for a moment longer, before looking aways sadly.

"I don't mean to sound prideful, but… What the desians are doing… It isn't right."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing from that seven year old girl. It didn't make sense, why would she do that to herself? wouldn't she want to be with her family? If I didn't know any better, and been treated the same as she, been a half elf of her age, I would have joined the Desians no matter what was right or wrong.

_Or would I…? _

"Your… amazing…" I muttered, looking away. I knew I hated it when people said that in my last life, so I was hesitant to say it to Ann. But the fact was it was _true_.

She squeaked, turning her attention to me so fast I thought her neck would snap. She blushed rather violently, and looked down as she twiddled her fingers.

"N...not really!"

"But you are." I assured her, looking to the sky. It was surprisingly sunny for a winter day, just cold. I felt the guilt eat away at me, I knew what she was before she even told me. Should I tell her I knew she was a half elf all along?

"That's incredibly mature of you, to put others before yourself." I muttered instead, deciding it wasn't a big deal. I knew and she knew I knew this time and…

I still couldn't help but let the guilt gnaw away at me.

….

"Thank you…"

* * *

It was a few months after my seventh birthday, and several months after training, that I met another orphan. I remembered him as the boy who bunked right next to Anna and my room, and that was it. I didn't really care to get to know _anyone_ in that cursed place, so I didn't.

I was walking to the town square to buy the some supplies(I didn't like having to rely on the care takers, and I ran into less people that way), Tia's special stick in my pocket, when I heard shuffling and shouting in the alleyway next to where I was walking. I turned my attention to the noise, Backing up, and I saw three figures huddled up in the corner. It took me only seconds to realize they were beating someone up, and I wanted to go help whoever was in danger.

I hesitated.

But then I shook my head and stormed in the alleyway, yelling "Hey!" before skidding to a stop in front of them, hoping I caught their attention enough to stop the onslaught on the person they were kicking.

They turned around, and I noted most of them were older than my bodies age, around nine years old. The biggest boy, the leader I assume, looked down at me and sneered.

"What are you going to do? Tattle tale? Sounds like something a _girl_ would do."

In my mind I was shaking in fear(Which made no sense, I was older than those punks for crying out loud!), but the fact they were younger than me in mind and probably weaker in body made me stand my ground. I had not fought anyone outside of training, but these boys probably had never even _seen _training.

"Is fighting instead of talking alright?" I asked, trying to come off as confident, and possibly cocky to teach them a thing about pride. "Cuz'... I don't want to waste my time talking when I can just get it over with in seconds!"

I tried to keep myself from shaking in anticipation as they turned their full attention toward me, scowling.

"What, do you likethe half elves too? They're all desians! They need to be killed!" One of the boys said, and I was caught off guard by this enough to not even register that they wanted to _kill _a half elf because he was… well, a half elf.

_Half Elf?_ I thought, noticing the trembling form just past these large boys, and I scowled back at them, my resolve turning to steel. These weren't children, these were repetitive clones of their parents hatred!

Half elves are evil, they are despicable, they are so different from humans... all these things I had heard time and time again and it couldn't be any more false! They ignored the truth, they let the lingering feelings of their past predecessors influence the way they lived their lives in the present. I hated people who were like that.

I knew this, but I also knew blaming a bunch of nine year old brats for a history spanning further than a thousand years would do or change nothing.

Instead of stalling, I decided I had to go. There was a moments hesitation again before I took off into action(Because you know, I _love _fighting a bunch of kids), pushing off the ground and hoping all those push ups were paying off in my seven year old body as I threw the first punch.

I have to say I was rather surprised when I heard a crunch, and saw a boy fall to the ground as he let out a cry of pain. But I had no time to think, as I just made the signal to fight.

The next one came and tried to grab at my arm, but luckily I was fast enough to dodge it. I ducked as the other went to tackle me, and luckily he missed. I kicked him in the abdomen, knocking the wind out of him but forgetting about the blood on the ground. I slipped, but my instincts kicked in and I jumped back before I could fall as the last boy went to punch me, and punched the ground I was just standing over and potentially broke his hand.

_Wow, punching the ground looks _so _dumb._

He was out of the game for a while, so I turned to their victim to attempt to grab him and run. But instead of seeing _one,_ I saw _two _boys looking up at me in shock, as if they couldn't believe someone rescued them. To be honest, I couldn't believe it either. No matter what the age, I just got in a _fight_, something that didn't happen in my last life(Usually I finished my conflicts with good planning, _not_ with flying fists).

Deciding to think later, I quickly pulled the most injured boy to his feet, and gestured to the other one to get up and we ran out of there as quickly as possible. I didn't want to wait and see what happened next.

We were running for several minutes, before we stopped behind some crates on the side of the road to catch our breath. I was the first to recover, and during that time I gave the boys a look over.

The first one I noticed was a cyan haired boy who was most _definitely _a half elf. I didn't even need my mana sense to tell you that. He had pale skin and a set of dark, _dark _green eyes. He was rather skinny, and short like most elven children and pointy ears that were revealed when his tied hair blew back in the slight wind. He was the least injured, unlike what I initially believed thinking a _half elf _would be the one injured.

I recognized the second one just fine. Kaiden, the boy bunking in the room next to mine. He was on the ground crossed legged, and was supporting his weight with his hands on his knees as he hunched over. He had blond hair and freckles, dark brown eyes and I noticed that he was a _super_ adorable kid. If I was a child in mind as well, I would probably be blushing as red as an apple. I assumed he was protecting the elven boy from the bullies, since he was injured the worst. He sported a black eye and several dark bruises and cuts. It was then I couldn't help but feel bad for ignoring him in the orphanage, because he was obviously a good kid.

"Are you alright?" I asked cautiously, hoping neither boys would have too big of a reaction, good or bad.

Kaiden puffed his cheeks and looked away from me pointedly. He was being childish, which as of this moment was perfectly fine because he _was _a child. "You didn't have to do that you know… You could have gotten hurt!"

I scoffed, I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible, but I had to make sure the two boys were okay. "I was expecting a thank you."

The green haired boy rolled his eyes at Kaiden, and the blond brat blinked once. Then, as if he remembered something, he turned to me.

"You helped us! I mean…! Do you.. Know?"

I tilted my head, and looked to the half elf boy. "You mean that he's a half elf?"

The mentioned boy jolted, then turned to look at me with narrowed eyes. "How did you..?"

"The boys trying to kill you mentioned it." I said distractedly. _Also you have green hair and pointy ears, _I thought to myself. _And your mana feels like a plant in the middle of spring._

"Then why did you save us?" Kaiden demanded to know, now sitting up straighter. I scowled back at him again, not at all amused with the boy's bad attitude. I knew talking to him was a bad idea! I clammed up after this, and turned to walk away without a word.

"I don't need to answer that." I told him, starting to walk. I was ready to go sit by myself and read for a bit. I remembered I had to go get a medicine kit for the my training, and I resisted the urge to groan. That was in the direction I was walking away from! I didn't want to turn back...

_I don't even remember what kind they wanted… Thats what I get for saving a bunch of snot nosed kids… _

"W-wait!"

I rolled my eyes and kept walking.

* * *

…

**A/N**

Yay for Eris's bad attitude!

Preview

"Ah! What luck, I was just about to look for you!"

"What?" I asked tilting my head, finally retracting my hand and standing limply, much like a stupefied child would.

"Good news, she came to _us_! Only The Goddess knows where this young one goes off to when she doesn't want to be found!"

I heard a very familiar laugh, and a even more familiar voice. "Oh I know. But once you find out, it gets plenty easy to figure it out. She's pretty predictable!"

"It would only last a couple weeks. No one has been adopting lately anyways, what with these hard times. It would be a good thing Sariah, Dorr has had his eye on her for a while…Don't they realize that the desians have been a little _too _quiet about all of this…?"

"Yes, you're right." The orphan captor named Sariah agreed, nodding grimly. "Its quite worrisome… I understand the necessity for safety, but its not so terrible that we must bring children into it… What I don't understand is why taking Eris away is necessary."

"Because," Tia spoke patiently. "If we get her out of here, it will give her a taste of her options. No matter how much Dorr really believes it, no place is safe from Desians. This way, she makes some more… outside connections. It would be wonderful for her training as well."

Sariah hummed, looking to me. "Have you asked her about this yet?"

"No. But knowing her, she has already figured it out. So its the same thing… Right Eris?

**A/N **

So, does Eris stay, or does she go? What is going on with Dorr? Is it the Dorr we _remember_, or the one we've heard so much about? Where does Tia want to take Eris?

Find out in the next chapter! :3

Chapter 3, Fight With No Hesitation!


	4. Chapter 3- Fight With No Hesitation

**Chapter 3**

**Fight With No Hesitation**

"Make up your mind to act decidedly and take the consequences. No good is ever done in this world by hesitation."

**A/N**

**Okay, next chapter is out... my writing style is going to change more as she gets older, because writing **_**everything**_** that happens in her life that isn't even relevant to the story is pointless. I try not to rush things, but hey. I'm only so talented. **

**Enjoy!**

"Eris."

I turned around from my spot on the ground, finishing up the tea I had made that morning and marking my spot in the book I had been reading for quite some time. It wasn't that interesting, but I had to admit that the stuff might have been important.

I had come earlier than usual to training that day, and was currently taking a small break. Due to life in the orphanage being a little bit more hectic than usual I felt the need to just _leave _before I got overwhelmed with the why's and hows of the things happening as of recent. Although there was always gossip and fear concerning a bit of everything, it wasn't every day that our politicians in charge actually did something. Our newest Governor-General Dorr had just changed a lot of things about the militia, so now instead of just being a city guard, it was a actual military to protect Palmacosta. So everyone was gossiping about it, and the orphanage was no exception.

I knew what happened in the future, but I didn't know what might have lead to it, so every little action set me off in a fit of anxiety and stress. I didn't know if there was something I could do to prevent anything, if there was anything I needed to stay away from, etcetera etcetera…

"Yeah?" I responded, turning to my teacher of a year.

She walked closer to me, setting her bag down and sitting on her usual stump. She seemed very calm, which wasn't exactly unusual, but this time there was a odd spark in her eyes, much like the time she took me in and started training my useless ass. "Do you know what makes a good opponent?"

_**An easy one is a dead one.**_ A voice in the back of my head whispered, and I was tempted to say it. But... I knew that wasn't the right answer. There was no time for joking around, because Tia looked serious about the question, even if she was also excited about our discussion. I knew I needed to focus.

I placed down my empty cup and book and looked at her quizzically, playing with the upper part of my ear, a habit that came from my past life. I had a single piercing there, my only piercing. I had gotten it with my mom for our birthday(We had the same birthday) before she ran away from home.

"No hesitation?"

She laughed a bit. Her frizzy dark hair flaring in the wind. It actually had not grown past its mid back length for quite some time. So I wondered if she was having Katherine cutting it, or she herself was. My hair was longer than I would have liked, at my shoulder blades.

"Close. But all humans hesitate."

She stood up, and took a wrapped... _thing _out of her bag and looked to me, a different look sparkling in her light eyes that time. More… Teasing, mischievous somehow. I eyed the wrapped item with disdain, knowing it was going to cause me at least a bit of grief within the next hour or so. But I _was _curious as to where she was getting at, so I didn't run before she could hurt me, but it wasn't like I had ran before. It wouldn't have been the first time she started a lesson in such a odd manner. Something was going down.

"Elaborate. Hesitation comes from dwelling on a decision. Decisions are made according to who we are. Who we are is our strength. Eris… What is your Focus?'

I contemplated this. My focus? I remembered watching many movies in my old life asking this. There were things like goals, morals, pleasures, but what did I chose _back then_…?

I remembered something new, about what Tia had said when we started training. _Past and future. Both can provide you with power, but only one can provide you strength. _A good fight comes with strong power. A good opponent comes with strong power. So if hesitation was a lack of self awareness, then she could be asking if I lived for the future or according to the past.

But what did _that_ mean? Was there no wrong answer, or was I far off? What was my focus? I didn't know how I decided to fight those boys the other day. I didn't hesitate at _first_, but I did later on. But that's because I was a idiot, I was _so sure_ that was I was doing was what I should have been doing in the first place.

Then I blinked. Why did it even matter in the first place? I would figure it out. Making a label for myself would hinder me right? I was me. And it wasn't in a 'I'm gonna be myself' way either. It was just a fact. A _fact_.

My made up who I was. I acted according to what's inward, not according to what I wanted to accomplish.

"My focus… " I started, looking up at her confused at the question, Not caring if I was wrong anymore because it was my final answer. I didn't want to care about anything but what I was feeling.

"I act according to who I am, no strings attached."

The medic hummed, and watched me thoughtfully. "Some would say such simplicity is immature."

"And I say why over complicate it? Labels can help, but they make people easy to be controlled by others."

I didn't want to be a part of the Cruxis fiasco. I knew everything was a lie, and if the world was dumb enough to play along, that was their fault. I knew I was acting just like the people who hated me because I didn't believe Martel was a goddess, but I was going to be selfish. I knew better, and I chose to ignore logic to suit me.

She was silent for a moment longer. she watched me with a calculating gaze. Then she smirked, and said "Oh really? You don't strive for anything, no goals? Nothing to protect? Fine. Give me your dagger."

For a moment I thought her to be banning me from training, she looked very thoughtful, and somewhat... Sad? I looked to my _stick_, before looking up at the woman blandly."But its a sti-"

"Eris!"

"Alright…"

I handed my stick to her, albeit reluctantly, and she took it and placed the package she had on the ground. The older woman looked at the tree appendage rather fondly, And I watched her curiously.

And before I could blink she snapped it in half.

I went wide eyed, and although I didn't say anything it felt… _odd _to watch it break like that, and suddenly the pocket I always kept it in didn't feel _lighter_, but… Emptier. It just felt like something that was a part of me disappeared. Much like when I stopped carrying my sketchbook around everywhere I went when I was a teenager in my past life. This made no sense though…

It was a _stick _for crying out loud.

"Feels wrong, doesn't it?" She said quietly, watching me. I nodded a bit as she folded her arms. "You want to know why it feels that way? Because a part of you believed it was a constant. The belief that it would be there when you looked again. That part of you was the dagger.. ."

I tilted my head, confused. Was she trying to tell me the dagger was a part of me? I wouldn't question it, since this _was _an alternate world after all, how much weirder could stuff get? Even if it did sound really, _really _dumb and cheesy.

"L-like symbolically or metaphorically? Because I'm pretty sure I'm perfectly healthy."

She tilted her head, ignoring my question. "Remember what it was like to lose that weapon. Never be caught off guard, and never let go of what's precious."

Somehow, I felt like those words were important, but I couldn't think of why.

She reached down, grabbing the package she removed from her bag earlier, and held it out to me. "This is yours… Its earlier than I expected, but… You're doing incredibly well, and with everything happening lately…" She trailed off, then snapped back to reality. She coughed awkwardly. "Use it carefully."

I eyed her suspiciously, before turning my gaze down to the package. I took it hesitantly, worried that if I took it too fast, I would offend her. When she simply stared as I took it, I loosened up a bit and stoically opened the package.

It took a moment for me to take it in, and I blinked to see if it was real. When it was still there, I wasted no time ripping the paper completely and holding the gift in front of me.

"A-a dagger?!" I squeaked, holding out the beautiful blade in front of me. It was simple,(To this world's standards) as all it had a vine design on the hilt. It was blue and black, the dagger itself was a metallic color. This worlds weaponry was far more impressive than ours, because we used _guns _and _bows_, and other complicated weaponry, while this world has been using weapons like swords for far longer than we did, so they were more sacred and had more techniques to make them beautiful.

Tia laughed, now brightening up more as she began watching me swing it around experimentally and very childishly. Spazzing out would never support the fact that I was an adult by all rights, but it wasn't like I planned to tell anyone the truth anyways.

"Yep! Be sure not to hurt yourself. Also now that you have a dagger, I decided that tomorrow we are getting you more equipment to execute our style of fighting."

I nodded enthusiastically, feeling the first ray of hope swell in my heart in a _long _time. I could fight now. I wasn't useless anymore. _Tia _thought I could fight, so… I could. I would pave a path for _myself_.

"Eris… Part of the reason I decided to do this was because I know what happened yesterday." I froze mid swing, my focus shooting up to Tia.

"Y-you aren't mad at me..?"

She laughed.

"Mad? Eris, you don't care about anyone but yourself. For some reason, you saved a half elf." She emphasised. "I learned something about you… And what I learned is you are here for a reason."

I felt my heart swell. I was so delighted, I could die. No one had ever talked to me like that, like I had a place. I felt like she was complimenting me, and she was, and I was just so happy I made her proud.

My mother had left us. My old mother… I loved her, but she didn't want to _be _a mother. Feeling like she was suffering because I was born… It was a horrible feeling. Like I wasn't meant to be born, like I didn't belong. Being born in this world, where I truly felt as if I wasn't meant to exist, and I had proof and memories to back it up did nothing to make me feel better.

With tears in my eyes, I whispered "Thank you… For teaching me these things. Thank you _so much_."

She simply smiled and ruffled my hair. "Your welcome."

.

After I started carrying my dagger around, I began to get mixed feelings from my peers.

Most were iffy around me, thinking that I might test it out on them or something. The only people who were okay with me having it was a few mature ones and Ann. Lucky for me, Kaiden had not found me yet. He didn't know where I went, where I stayed, or exactly who I was and I was content to keep it that way.

This was fine with me. I wanted out of Palmacosta anyway. Fear was weakness, so I felt no pity for the future that loomed over the city of trade.

Thats what I tried telling myself anyway. It was hard to feel like that with Anns large eyes smiling down at me.

.

As promised, she took me shopping for some new gear. I was worried about the cost, but she assured me the expensive bits would last as long as I took care of them, and being a competent doctor was especially gratifying in terms of money and health.

It was the first time I went to the Izoold pier. I recognized it as the pier you initially came in the game after making that one guy take the party to Palmacosta. There were dozens of shops dedicated to travelers from across the world, so it varied in things like souvenirs, traveling gear, foods, weapons and armour.

First off, was the gear. It was really surprising, just how much we got. Apparently I needed a _lot _of pouches. There was one leg holster, a belt with a slot for my dagger, and one for my stomach that belted up in a x shape with a large sack in my mid back.

She got me new clothes as well, because in order to use these pouches, I needed a very specific kind of clothing. It had to be accessible to the inside of my jacket, easily accessible to my boots, and she said it was just plain uncomfortable to have the leather straps over clothing, because it bunches together awkwardly.

I agreed with her, remembering wearing backbacks with baggy clothes in my past life.

It was kind of provocative, even for a young adult, and it was slightly embarrassing. But the point of it was to give me full access to my body, to be able to reach into different pouches without clothing in the way.

First, was my belly shirt. It was sleeved, and I had a over jacket that cut off just below the undershirt, it was baggy around the torso but tight on the arms. It was blue and gray, and it slightly covered the pouch on my back. Then I had baggy short shorts, and I was lucky I had a belt to hold it in place. I had boots too, they were deceivingly slow looking due to their size, but it actually gave me room for ankle movement and stayed tight on my feet.

Then was the actual toys.

In my thigh pouch, I got three throwing knives to carry around inside of it, and inside my stomach one were made for poisons and various bombs. All she trusted me with at that moment was the smoke bombs and Hot sauce.

For practice.

"But _hot sauce_? Thats so lame!" I exclaimed in disbelief. I was a grown ass _woman_, I wasn't about to use hot sauce on my opponent! Looking up at her, she had that familiar glitter in her eyes, and I knew she was enjoying my irritation. I was sure the best part of teaching was pissing off your students.

She was explaining how she expected me to learn for a while, and how our training was changing due to the change. She decided to sit around in a tea place she liked, ordered us both tea, and decided that day would be a pun day.

"I didn't order a glass of your opinion!" She joked back, taking a sip of her own tea. "I actually ordered peach tea. Want some? I _know_ you love tea…"

I looked away from the drink in disgust, sticking out my toungue in distaste. "Yeah, but..._Fruit_ tea? Thats disgusting, how do you drink that?"

Tia laughed loudly, throwing her head back. "Seriously? You love tea, and you love fruit, but not Fruit _Tea_..?"

"No. way." I announced, taking another sip from my assuredly _not _fruity tea. It was actually something called _Kirima Tea_… Tia recommended it and I had never heard of it, but it actually tasted fairly good, if not a little sweet. In fact, I would think it was fruit, if not for the non fruity name and decent taste. "Thats just juice! Not tea!"

Tia snorted. "Is that so?.. Have you ever heard of the Luin Gardens?"

I furrowed my eyebrows at the odd subject change, but I answered her question. "A bit. Its super good or something isn't it?"

Tia held in a laugh as she continued. "Thats right… In fact it so successful, it has the most variety of fruits known to the world. Even the rare ones. Do you know which fruit is the rarest of all there?"

I tilted my head, taking a rather large gulp of tea. "No actually. What is it?"

"The wonderful Kirima fruit. And by wonderful, I mean _fruity._"

It took me a moment to realize what she was getting at, and when I did my eyes went wide in shock and I immediately spat out my drink. It took me several seconds to do this, the older green eyed woman now letting her laughter loose.

_Kirima Tea!_

"S-seriously!?" I squeaked, my eight year old voice cracking. "W-wha- I- Bu- I mean...Th-th-thats…"

I shivered in disgust, stomach queasy, _fruity tea… grk… _ and she laughed even louder. It was odd how if something tasted good, it would only taste _bad_ if it didn't match your interests.

I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah… Yeah, laugh it up, I heard laughter makes wrinkles go away, and you need it."

Her laughter died down, and she looked to me more thoughtfully. She rested her head on her hand, and said softly, "... The Kirima fruit was always my favorite as a little girl… My sister used to take me there after my father finished training me."

She looked out into the sea, smiling. "It was the best… She was the best." She turned to me, and her smile expanded. "I'll have to bring you one sometime. In fact, we should go and get some at a point in our travels. I have a friend who lives there, he just had a little boy. He owns the farms, it's passed down in his family."

I watched her carefully. It was pretty obvious she had just shared a very fond and personal memory. Suddenly I felt closer to her, like something shifted, but I couldn't tell what it was _exactly_ for the life of me...

.

I should have known that it would happen.

Kaiden was the loudest, most persistent boy in the history of children, so of _course _he wouldn't leave me alone the second he discovered me.

"H-hey! You're that girl who sa-er… H-helped us out! Aren't you?!"

I froze at the voice, and it took me only seconds to realize that things were about to get _really _irritating. I spun around to find the source of the voice, and I saw a familiar mop of green and brown haired boys.

"Uh." I stared at them, forcing myself to squint as if I didn't recognize them at all. I wanted to keep them as far away from me as possible, they were the last kids I wanted to talk to at that moment. "I dunno, maybe?"

"Y-yeah, it was you." The green haired half elf spoke, looking away from me. Not out of shyness, but something different. "Its hard to forget someone as freakish as _you_."

The bitterness confused me slightly. Yeah, it was hard to understand that some humans didn't hate your race, but I still helped him out. Why was he so angry?

"And its hard to help out brats as _annoying_ as you." I responded bitingly, appalled at the complete lack of manners. If they showed no decency, I would give them no respect no matter how much they expected it. _What's wrong with these kids?_

"B-brats?" The blond haired rascal repeated, looking at me with disdain. "Quit treating us like we're smaller than you! You look the same age as us!"

I was curious. At this point in my age, I could barely tell the difference between a ten year old and a eight year old, so I actually wanted to know how kids 'my age' actually acted, and Ann along with those bullies didn't really count. Ann was smart, and those bullies were idiots.

"Really? And how old are you two?" I asked, tilting my head.

"Nine!" Kaiden answered. "Well. Almost nine. He's nine." He gestured to the half elf boy, who simply scowled at the taller boy.

So they were older than me. That was always the weirdest part about rebirth. The whole _age _thing.

I nodded in response, and tried walking away without a word. But before I could, Kaiden jumped in front of me waving his hands obnoxiously as if they would distract me from getting away.

"Wha-hey! Why are you walking away?"

His face was peering at me curiously from a close angle, and I was irritated about his lack of respect for my personal bubble. It made sense, because its hard to understand other people outside yourself when you're his age. Knowing how they are, they most likely are just curious about me, because I had then made myself known as a odd, therefore _interesting _subject.

"Theres nothing to talk about… Why? Do you need something from me?" I asked him, trying my best to look bored and uninterested. Bored people are boring people after all. And if I appeared boring, that meant I wasn't _interesting…_ Right?

"If you don't want to talk to us…" The half elf boy spoke, looking at me with a serious face. No anger, which was surprising coming from such a angry child. "Can you at least tell us your name?"

Ignoring the fact that it was rude to ask for a name before giving one(in my _old _world at least), I sighed and figured _whats the harm_?

"Eris. No last name." I turned to the green haired boy. "And you? Whats your name?"

Said boy looked to me curiously, and he opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by his rather loud companion.

"What, are you not gonna ask for mine?! I bet you _really _want to know that, huh?" This whole line reminded me of something from my past life, but I knew it had nothing to do with this world, so I ignored the deja-vu.

I stuck up my nose. "Not really." I said, because I already _knew _his name, and I didn't want him to think I was especially curious. I felt that the green haired boy would leave me alone, because the only reason he would have to speak to me again would be because of the other boy.

Kaiden huffed, and grumbled under his breath, as his friend glanced at the taller companion to make sure there was no more interruptions, and said "Giles… Corden…"

I nodded in response and walked past Kaiden, who was dumbly standing there, to go back into my room and grab a blanket to sneak out on the roof to watch the stars. I walked out the back door in the orphanage though, not regarding the small threat of gangs and considering Kaiden as a much more dangerous enemy.

Didn't want to be annoyed to death.

.

It wasn't even a week later when my teacher and mine's conversation about traveling from that day came up.

I had just walked into the orphanage with a plum in hand, and was about to open the door when it was opened for me. My hand was still out when I blinked once before looking up at the temporary doorwoman, the orphanage owner, an especially old woman who was probably about to die any minute. I had not ever really spoken to her unless it was necessary, there were a few times she had tried and I ran off before she could.

"Ah! What luck, I was just about to look for you!" Her tin foil like voice said, lined with pure amusement. I never got what old people laughed at, probably since the oldest I've ever been was 24, I assumed it was irony that made them most amused.

"What?" I asked tilting my head, finally retracting my hand and standing limply, much like a stupefied child would. No one _ever _went out of their way to search for me. Especially me. So the fact she chose today made me incredibly curious as to what was going on. She turned around and walked into the house, and I followed her as she laughed lightly.

"Good news, she came to _us_! Only the Goddess knows where this young one goes off to when she doesn't want to be found!"

I heard a very familiar laugh, and a even more familiar voice. "Oh I know. But once you find out, it gets plenty easy to figure it out. She's pretty predictable!"

I walked in further to see Tia sitting on the couch comfortably, and she motioned me to sit in front of her, next to the orphan keeper.

I did so, and watched hesitantly as my teacher seemed to resume speaking. "It would only last a couple weeks. No one has been adopting lately anyways, what with these hard times. It would be a good thing Sariah, Dorr has had his eye on her for a while… it worries me."

At this point, my curiosity was spiked and oddly enough, my worry as well. _Are they talking about _me_? _ I thought, listening closely.

"Yes, you're right." The orphan captor named Sariah agreed, nodding grimly. "Its quite worrisome… I understand the necessity for safety, but its not so terrible that we must bring children into it… What I don't understand is why taking Eris away is necessary."

I focused in more after this, _so they _are _talking about me! _I thought, trying not to verbally ask questions. Where is she taking me? What does Dorr want with me? And what is he trying to bring me into? It was only my self control that kept me silent.

"Because," Tia spoke patiently. "If we get her out of here, it will give her a taste of her options. No matter how much Dorr really believes it or rather _wants us_ to believe it, no place is safe from Desians. This way, she makes some more… outside connections. It would be wonderful for her training as well."

So it was about the militia Dorr was trying to expand. He was finding new recruits every day, even allowing women to join. But apparently he was okay with children recruits, because from what I gathered he'd asked Tia to allow me to be trained by the militia a while ago. Was there no one else training to fight like I was? Or maybe it was just because he was impatient… or he thought I could be controlled? Which would explain why Tia wanted me out of here to find other options. But who knew, I didn't really know the political stance of Palmacosta right now, Clara might not even be dead yet.

I knew for a fact Dorr turned his government into a secret based operation. There were two sides, civilian and politically involved civilians. One was ignorant of _everything_, and the other enforced control based off the people's ignorance. Just like the Church of Martel. But you could only keep so many secrets for so long, and of course there were people like Tia who got outside the city, who could see something was wrong.

But this meant the events of the game was seriously downplayed in my world like I initially thought. The violence, the cruelty, even the politics was watered down. Because unlike how it sounded in the game, people were aware of the lack of political and military strength. Or at least, they were smart enough to be cynical about the amount of power they truly had… Clara wasn't dead at that point in time, I thought.

Sariah hummed, looking to me. "Have you asked her about this yet?"

"No. But knowing her, she has already guessed. So its the same thing… Right Eris?" Tia laughed a bit, looking at me.

I nodded, smiling a bit. "Yeah… Dorr is getting a little too confident in his politics. Right? Well I'm all for it. I've always wanted to travel anyway."

Tia laughed, as she turned to the surprised elderly woman. "See? Its fine with her. She knows the details. But is it fine with _you_?"

Sariah looked closely at Tia, surprisingly calculating for a kind old woman. She looked like she wanted to ask something, but didn't most likely on the account I was in the room.

"... Its fine I suppose. But about my proposition… Are you sure you want to decline?"

Tia sighed, looking down rather sadly. "... I'm afraid with my profession… It will be hard to take more than two. I'm afraid doing _that _would complicate life more than it should."

Sariah nodded and sighed in submission. "Very well… For both your sakes, I hope all turns out well then." She turned to me, and I looked back to her in acknowledgement. "Pack your things… You've never traveled, so Tia will help you gather your necessities."

.

A day after, I was saying my goodbyes(Mostly to Ann, and the orphan keeper as a obligation) and waiting for Tia in front of her house. Katherine had come out, and sat with me.

"Grandmother says you have a lot of talent in combat."

I turned to her, noticing her looking straight forward instead of at me as she spoke. Her eyes were narrowed, and her light blond hair fell in strands over her eyes. She didn't bother to move them.

_Jealousy, maybe…? _I thought, looking away from her. "Yeah… but I wish I _could_ heal." I said, trying to reign in her envy. "It's very valuable. Its easy to _protect_ yourself, but to _fix_ yourself is a whole other story. You have to be smart with who and how you heal."

This time she did look at me, her eyebrows furrowed. "Yeah… But I can't really _fix _anything. All I can do is assist grandma when she does, and she can _fight _too!" She turned away from me once again, and I could understand how she felt.

Its one thing to have only one specialty and be good at it. Its different when you only have one mediocre ability that isn't even sought after. Its very discouraging.

"I wish," She continued, breathing a sigh. "I wish I could help her. To _do _something! I hate being the weak link…!"

"Well then get better." I snapped, fully turned toward her. Her head swung in my direction, and our eyes locked. Hers were wide in shock, so wide I could see my whole reflection in them. I wasn't a nice person, she was being pathetic. Envy… envy ruins people. Friendships, relationships… It was annoying, people who couldn't reign in those feelings. "Wishing isn't good enough. You have to fight for it, believe in your reasons_._" I told her, trying not to sound too harsh, but harsh enough to make a point.

"Maybe you _are_ the weak link." I continued, holding her gaze. "But the only one who can change that is you, don't blame others for your weakness. Others being weaker than you will only make _you _feel better. Thats not what healers do, right? It _helps_ to get encouragement… But if _attention_ is what you thrive on to get strong, I'm sorry to say _you aren't going to survive._"

We kept our staredown going for a bit longer, until her gaze turned to something more remorseful, and she looked down.

"Thats not really the point…" She said weakly. "Grandmother… Barely even trains me anymore because she's so busy focusing on _you._"

At this point I felt a little bad, but my pride screamed at me, _She's just denying it because your right! She could get plenty strong without Tia's help, she's just a attention whore! Can't I ever get anything for myself? _I kept completely silent though, because I knew, I _knew _it wasn't fair of me to think that way. I had legitimate reasons to get strong, but then again… So did she. She felt as if doing this would bring her close to her grandmother.

_**Your allowed to **_**think** _**however you want. **_A voice whispered to me, but I shaked it off, knowing if I thought however I wanted, I wouldn't feel good about it.

But of course I couldn't _lie _to her or myself about it, so I lightly said "You know… you have _options_ though. Things won't always go your way, whether it's fair or not."

"I feel like you're just being selfish!" She told me, teary eyed.

"What can _I _do?" I asked her, genuinely curious. What did she want me to do? Refuse Tia's training? Because that wasn't about to happen. I didn't hate the girl, because I knew what it was like to be twelve. Although she was pretty mature for her age, there were many things she missed. "Or rather, what do you expect me to do?"

"I-I don't know!" She exclaimed, now having the decency to look embarrassed. "Talk to her?"

I frowned, tilting my head a bit. "Katherine… I'm not about to talk to my _teacher_ about her personal life."

The older girl looked at me, then laughed somewhat emotionally. "This is crazy… I feel like I'm talking to my mother…"

I smiled at her wryly, and said "I try."

.

"Where are we going anyways?" I asked as we made our way up north, just me and Tia. This was rather surprising actually, as people usually only traveled in extremely large or medium sized groups, rather than pairs.

"We're heading to a small village just a mile away from Palmacosta," She said, not looking back as she walked. "It has a boat that can fit several people. Chances are we wont get on the same one, but…" She shrugged.

I nodded, and wondered what village she was talking about. I didn't remember anything past Palmacosta, except the pass that I remembered being a pain to get through.

"What's it called?" I asked, hoping that the name would ring a bell. She looked at me curiously, eyebrow raised.

"I figured you would have heard of it." She commented, but before I could speak she was already looking forward and speaking again. "Niflheim. Its not a common place, but us small group travelers basically depend on it to survive."

I tilted my head, remembering that name, but… not in the game. "So you use it a lot?"

She laughed a bit. "Yes. Unfortunately…." Trailing off, I saw her stop, and I stopped as well. Before I could ask what was wrong, four bandits jumped from the trees. I immediately yelped, as I jumped and fumbled with my dagger, pulling it out and holding it in front of me somewhat steadily. I lowered myself into a battle ready stance, hoping all went well.

"This place is easy pickings for bandits!"

.

We eventually made it to the village, which was basically a ship port. Oddly enough though, everyone in this village was… uh… odd…?

"In a very unrelated note…" I said, eying the odd sight before me. "Would this place, by any chance… Be a… ah…"

"While this place is for small group travelers," Tia laughed, walking ahead of me as I looked around in awe. "Its also a farming village."

Sure enough, there were _tons _of animals. Everywhere. Like, you couldn't even move three feet without bumping into an animal, with a human or not.

"Why are they all loose?" I asked curiously, watching as a man passed by with a… ah… Giant blob on a leash(I know right? What a world we're living in).

Tia frowned as we crossed the street. "If we leave them in the fields, the Desians wreak havoc and destroy them." She explained. "So the only way to keep out livestock safe… is by keeping them in the village, where even if the Desians come back, the animals can't run away."

I let out a wordless 'Oh', and looked around once again at the village in a new light. I now noticed the weariness the villagers held, and suddenly this new place didn't seem as lively as before. It was never mentioned in the game, like a lot of things, and I wondered just how many more nameless villages were affected by the desians reign.

I remembered when I first beat the game, the feeling of satisfaction I held. _Everything has been fixed, the end!_ I had thought to myself, and continued fantasising for the longest time afterwards. But after seeing just how much in the game was downplayed, and realizing that this wasn't some fantasy any more, some _tale_ to be retold, I found myself worrying about Sylvarant and my own well being.

The Desians left no room for leadership or government, how was this world going to recover? I remembered the second game it had a light shed on it, but, again, _just how much was downplayed?_

We quickly reserved a spot in a small rundown inn, and placed our things in the room. It was a simple cabin like room, with two twin sized beds next to each other and space on either side with a large cabinet in the middle, and I table in front of them. It costed about 200 gald, rather cheap actually, but to be expected in a traveler village in Sylvarant.

I put my small hip pouch(Thats _all _she let me bring. Basicly the only things I had were absolute necessities, since it was the size of a cat. It was easy to travel with at least, since it was small and was positioned on my back, right below my supply pouch.

Which meant barely any spare clothes.

Hooray.

We made our way to the harbor, and there were a couple large boats and several fishing boats. There was tons of people, and of course, animals standing around, and probably talking about the weather or something. We walked over to the far end of the harbor, where there were smaller boats waiting and the one we walked to was one of the average looking fishing boats.

"Hey woody, long time no see!" Tia called out, a light laugh lining her voice.

I looked around, trying to find who she was talking to, when I saw a head pop up from behind the boat we were standing at and a _large_ middle aged man walked over to us.

"Tia! Its been ages!" He called out in a gruff voice as his burly body stopped just before our own smaller forms.

"Speak for yourself, I feel like I saw you just yesterday!" Tia teased, placing a hand on my head.

"Ay," the man replied, laughing a bit. "I see _you_ haven't aged a day!"

He looked at me, and with a grin he said "Now there's no way this girl is little Katherine… So is this the girl you planned to teach?"

"_Is_ teaching." Tia corrected, pushing me forward a bit. "Balder, this is Eris. Eris, this is a old friend of mine from long ago, Balder. In fact, he's the man who owns the Luin farm I was telling you about. "

Balder laughed a bit. "Its nice to meet you lass. Tis is true, me and Tia here go way back. We were childhood friends in Luin."

I looked away from him and nodded, feeling somewhat out of place.

"She's a very odd one as I mentioned." Tia said, eyeing me. "Quite smart for her age… Makes me wish I... met her parents."

Balder nodded, peering at me while he hummed. That statement had a lot more than met the eye- I mean ear- but I couldn't really tell what exactly it meant. "Ay. You can see it in her eyes, she's a survivor. Makes this a dangerous game you're playing."

I peered at him curiously, wondering what she was getting at.

"Yes," Tia agreed, crossing her arms. "But I have faith in her. This reminds me… I have a favor."

Balder sighed dramatically, and nodded. "Should have known… Let me guess, you need a ride on me boat, correct?"

Tia nodded and laughed heartily. "You know me so well. I'd visit more if I could you know, but I'm limited to necessity. Dorr is making it harder and harder to get out of town lately, what with the new patrols. Most like the protection, but…"

"Freedom is priceless." Balder agreed, stroking his beard. "Its goin' ta be dangerous I assure you. But its nothing new! I'll be ready by tomorrow, you know the drill."

Tia softly smiled, seeming to recall something as he said that. "Yes… I do."

.

After a good nights rest and breakfast(It was my turn, so I cooked eggs), we were on our way up north and on the boat.

Balder was busy steering and watching out for monsters, so it was mostly just me and Tia.

"There is a story my mother used to tell me," She began one day, looking out into the ocean as she was lost in thought. "Of a young girl who was a tormented prisoner, and she suffered unrelenting pain on a daily basis. She blamed this pain on her heart, and said "If only I could get rid of it, I would be free of any more suffering"... A Card appeared in the shadows. He introduced himself as The Thirteen of Hearts, but where the hearts should be, there was simply holes _shaped_ like hearts. The young girl told the card this, and he said "You're right! I suppose I'm the thirteen of _heartless_." The young girl sighed, and said "I wish _I _was heartless… This heart of mine seems much too troublesome." The Card simply laughed.

""Why don't you?" he asked her, jumping on her shoulder. She looked at him and said "Young girls like me need our hearts, Card." When he simply tilted his body, for he had no head, she said "If we don't, we'll surely die."

The Card cackled, "Do you? Because that sounds like a rule, and I'm not very fond of rules. Tell you what!" He leaned closer to the girls ear and said "If you give me the rule that keeps you from taking your heart away, You will be able to do do just that! Because I am ruleless, and any rule I have is no rule at all!"

"The girl pondered this, and said "You can _take_ a rule? The 'rule' I suppose... Is that little girls need their hearts to live. But... you could take my heart?" The Card hummed in confirmation, "And I'll tell you what!" He whispered, "I'll even look after your heart for you!" She pondered this, and after thinking, she said "I have nothing to lose… I'll let you have it." And with that said, and a little dance of The Card, she gave up her small heart and she became Malice."

I waited for more, but when Tia didn't speak, I asked "Isn't there more?"

She sighed, turned me me, and said "Eris… Don't you know the number one rule when it comes to storytelling? Ann- I mean, a old friend of mine used to tell me all the time." I shook my head, and waited for her to say more.

The wind blew rather peacefully, and the ship swayed. The sound of the ocean hitting the boat was very rhythmic and I felt my heart soar at the beauty of it all. It reminded me of home, and after I realized this, my heart gripped in pain.

"You can't have a story without a heart."

.

**A/N**

**Wow. Believe it or not, a ****_lot _****of things happened in this chapter. Foreshadowing, character development, plot development... So, uh. Yeah. **

**Chapter 3- Price of Time**

"Tia!" I called out, trying to make my way through the crowed, only to be held back.

"We can't let you do that kiddo." A older man told me, and I looked back up to him with wide eyes. I recognized him as one of the mercenaries Tia introduced me to. "Tia would kill me if I let anything happen to you."

"What do you think you're doing?!"I heard Tia shout authority lining her voice. "Do you have no honor? These are children!"

I gritted my teeth. I had to help her!

_But what can I do? Get myself into trouble?_

_**That sounds nice. Add a couple of other people in the mess, and you're all set!**_

Gah! Why couldn't I just focus? It was just so… Ugh, It didn't matter! I couldn't do nothing. I.. I had to….

Tia.

"T-Tia!" I called out, my voice cracking. "Tia!"

.


	5. Chapter 4- Price of Time

**Chapter 4**

**Price of Time**

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."

**A/N**

**Oh my gosh, I'm sooooo sorry I haven't updated. **

**heres the thing though- my mom took off with the computer charger, so I couldn't actually charge my laptop in forever. Whoops. **

**Also, even though I had this chapter done for a while… I was struggling with posting it, just because… Well, I feel like I did it wrong. Like, its necessary, but in regards to the future? Yeah. Plot stuff.**

**I decided to post it anyways, and I'd edit it later. So… not proud of this one, but… Yeah. Also, ANY IDEAS OR THOUGHTS ON THIS STORY, SUGGEST THEM. I will consider them, and I'm not begging for reviews or anything, but if there's anything you're particularly concerned about or want to see, tell me. **

**And on that note, questions for anyone who cares. **

**What are your hopes for seeing in a family relationship between Kratos, Lloyd, and her? I need to decide an ending(hehe), although I have much of it planned, I kinda wanna hear thoughts. **

On that trip, we met many people that could prove useful for a traveling job hunter like Tia and soon to be, me. After we got off the boat our first destination was Asgard, as it was further than the first walk to the village, but it wasn't too hard with my excessive physical training. It took about a day, and we were ambushed a couple times, but I was starting to get used to it.

Fighting with Tia got me used to basically fighting alone, because she mostly stood back and made sure I didn't get killed as she healed. Of course, there were a few times I severely screwed up and she had to rescue me, but basically she told me where I went wrong.

The chance of death was a good learning motivator.

As I watched her battle in such a graceful manner, hardly breaking a sweat, I wondered how with all her skill managed to find the time to expertly learn her healing. I guessed it was because she was old, but I could never be too sure as she jumped around as if she had never aged in the first place.

Connections in this world was useful. Why? Because this work was dead set on only hiring familiar faces, and with a world with no set law you needed to know who you were working with. Not that it mattered to me, as long as I could get away from anything I wanted. Palmacosta wasn't really my thing, and neither was getting to know anyone who would die. After all, why should I stop it? Who cared about morals, or other's feelings? As long as I could stay away from anyone who wanted to truly convert me to Sylvarant.

I was never forgetting earth.

I met the mayor, who Tia seemed to be acquaintances with due to her medicinal knowledge. The faces of the people I met wasn't really relevant, so I'll say its more important to say, we met the innkeeper who she was even closer to, as he owned the expensive Inn up on the hill. Asgard had a variety of Inns, a lot of tourist attractions, and _many _shops. Unlike Palmacosta, where nothing was really separated. Things were built wherever they were built in our city, because everyone in Palmacosta was there for a reason, not vacation. I _loved _the place. Tia was extremely amused to see my enthusiasm, and I wondered how she wasn't stoked to be in Asgard.

Asgard was a wind based town, and although the Mana in the air was unpleasant, I found the fact that the place was filled with _Dragons_ made it fine. Yes, dragons existed in this world. I didn't know this, so when I was enveloped in a sudden shadow, I squealed a bit in surprise before looking up.

They were beautiful. The first one I saw was a rare one. Fast, mobile, and colorful. You'd think that'd make a dragon easy to spot, bit to my surprise as soon as it took off into the clouds it was _gone._

The snake Dragons were more common, and more weak. They were also the only truly violent flying reptiles known to man. Their favorite cuisine? Salad. With a side of raw _human_. Interestingly enough, half elves didn't seem appealing as long as they were not provoked. But alas, they had a short temper, so it wasn't _un_common to hear of a poor half elf getting viciously attacked by one. There were dragonriders patrolling the area of Asgard, making sure that the Snake dragons got nowhere near the city, and that no travelers set them off.

Me and Tia got attacked by one, and having no connections to any dragon rider or Asgardian had no way to get rid of them besides taking them out nicely.

They were flying all over the place. Very few actually lingered around the town area, most of them appearing over the cliff on the outskirts of Asgard. They seemed to dwell on the mountain on the other side of the cliff. Truthfully, Asgard was located _on_ the mountain and not the base, but there was a large fall from even the low lands. But the dragons dwelled on the top of the Asgard mountains, unfortunately no one could get up there unless they were willing to risk dying or never returning.

I was though. But I thought I should save what was left of my life a bit longer.

Actually, Asgard was one of the lesser race discriminating cities. Many of its ruins had pictures of elven people as well as human, so while there was still a controversy(And always there would be) on the acceptance of half elves, it wasn't nearly as much as a problem as Palmacosta. There was also the fact that the ranch was like a far off dream to the Asgardians, only an inkling of fear given to them by mouth by tourists or travelers.

We stayed there a few days, and I met a few more people. She had a lot of acquaintances, and after she found out just how much I enjoyed the place we stayed a bit longer. I got several odd trinkets, including a toy that changed color depending on the mana concentration(It was green in Asgard), and a wind howler that made an odd noise whenever wind blew. There were lots of fascinating ruins, and stories the villagers were happy to tell. I didn't have time to visit the stone slab at the wind temple, but I figured I could do that another time if I remembered.

The next stop was Hima. It was by far the most grueling walk ever(more so than the Asgard mountains), and although it was thrilling to visit a place from my ex-favorite video game, _the walk was not worth it._

I met only one contact there, and at first I thought _just one person for that entire walk?_, but when I talked to the couple I was shocked at just how many things they from rumors to legends, it made no sense considering they live in _Hima. _

Tia grew increasingly irritated as she trained me sometimes, because I began leaning toward the easier side of combat. Instead of assault, I would simply throw poison or paralyzing powder and be done with it. She wanted to teach me to _fight_. I was already resourceful, and trying to fight would be the only way to defend myself sometimes. I knew this, but I simply got lazy and didn't want to go through the effort if I could simply get things over with in a moment. I was banned from using poisons unless that was how I was training until further notice.

Next was the most interesting place. Many things happened there, none of which I can remember and all of it important both in the plot and my present life- My mother of Aselia was born here.

Luin.

It was rather large, and a beautiful city. It was hard to believe it was the place most likely had the most terrifying experiences with the Desians. Even though it was called the _Asgard _ranch, there was no doubt it was truly the _Luin_ ranch.

There were many desians around I was sure, but like Palmacosta they kept their distance from the towns. Only coming in platoons or large hoards, to either remind us human of our valueless position or to take more from the people.

There, I met a couple of store keepers, one Innkeeper, a sailor, a traveling merchant, a sword master, a mercenary, and most interesting enough, a _pirate._

Like, a legit pirate who looks for treasure and has a crew and _kills people._

I didn't ask Tia how she knew them.

I killed a man for the first time when I was nine.

It was a accident to be honest, but it was still numbing. But not so morally painful I wanted to die in their place like I was always told I would in my past life.

It was clean, it was efficient, and sure I was bothered by it and I would rather _not_, but I found I would never hesitate to do it again if I had to. I got over it. But I found the more I did it, the more numbed to violence I would become.

On our travels told me many stories in her childhood, and I grew closer and closer to her. She still spoke highly of the fruits and herbs her family grew, and over the years, we traveled together many more times, and by the time I was close to eleven years old I could almost swear I knew _every _merchant on the east side of Sylvarant. Katherine came with us sometimes, although nothing really changed but numbers.

We never went to Triet or anything on that side, and when I asked, it was because it would take too long to get there, and there are barely any boats heading to Izoold. I didn't question why we didn't go through the north entrance. I didn't feel like walking, and I was scared if we did, we would end up in Iselia, except… I kinda _wanted _to meet Lloyd. To meet him as he _was._

It was selfish of me, I mean I didn't even _belong _in Aselia, let alone in his life. I lost my chance at family, _its not fair to Lloyd, not fair to anyone, I'll just be messing with fate…_

Even though I would never get the guts to act that way, to find him and be a sister, It didn't change the fact I _wanted _to.

_**How can fate exist with **_**you** _**here? There is no fate for you, why does there need to be for someone else? **_I shook my head. I would have thoughts like those often, where even though I _owned _them, I couldn't quite understand them… It was really odd, like I was smart enough to _think _it, but something kept me from pondering it. I had this problem even in my last life, it was sort of like deja vu, but opposite. Kinda.

I ignored it.

.

I kept up in my training, and with the fights we got into with monsters and various bandits in our monthly travels, I got pretty good.

I kept up rather well, and it got to the point where I could easily take down any monster with a flick of my wrist and any bandit with rather simple maneuvers. The rare case where we would have to escape from a trouble making Desian groups were, yes, scary, but we knew _especially _how to run, so we never actually fought them. I was still getting used to them, nonetheless.

I could proudly say, I was getting confident. I could feel myself getting overconfident though, but I just couldn't help it. I had nothing to knock me down a few notches, me being strong enough to knock anyone who tried down to their knees.

I started going to Tia's home to eat dinner with her family, and with Katherine it was awkward at first, but we eventually became somewhat of friends. It was tentative, and it was odd watching the bratty, slightly bitter young lady grow up to be a decent satisfied woman. Yes, she was loud. But so was I growing up. The first time around I mean.

Tia would laugh rather loudly as she told a funny story, or close her eyes contently as she told one last fable, and she would send me off with a book, trusting me to return it before we left on our travels. She didn't like me taking them, because even though I was oddly focused for a child, I still had a childs physical mind, so focusing while immersed in something I liked doing was difficult.

Which was bad in the wilderness, where there were monsters and robbers and _ladybugs_. The ladybugs were such angry creatures. Like, they would literally wake up _just _so they could pick a fight with you. Haughty creatures they were...

"Eris, aim for its wings!"

Jumping out of the way of a rather vicious dive the monster delivered, I glanced at her quickly, being sure to keep my eye on the angry bugs flying around us.

I took out one of my new throwing knives, aiming for its wings. I hit the bugs side instead, but luckily it threw the thing off balance and it fell to the ground. I quickly took out my dagger and before it could cause any trouble, I swung my blade in a upward cut and attempted the new arte I had been learning.

"Azure edge!" It was a fairly easy move, a move that Tia had taught me so I could understand strike artes. All I really had to do was add a ball of mana at the tip of my blade, then after the initial damage of the blade, it enters the persons system and spikes, causing a jolt of pain and if done right or to a weak target, unconsciousness or if I eventually got good enough, death.

Tia usually took care of the stronger ones at the beginning, and as I turned to grin at my impressive(Thats what I thought at the time) fight, she would simply finish her share off and wink at me good naturedly.

She slowly became my best friend.

"The economy is doing good lately…" She said one day, looking at me. "It would be a rather good time to adopt someone…"

I jolted, and looked at her curiously. I was aware it was far from a promise, but she was conveying if she felt she could, she would adopt…. _me_… It wasn't like I _needed _adopted, I was self sufficient, but the confirmation that yes, we could be family was somewhat… odd, but flattering.

She didn't though, so it left me to wonder what was going through her mind. Truthfully, I didn't want to be adopted. I mean, me, adopted? I couldn't be a daughter. I had a hard enough time accepting Lloyd and Kratos, who werent even with me.

She showed me a star shaped symbol shown on the collar of her shirt, something I never noticed before, since it seemed to be hidden under her collar. It had ten points on it. She told me it was something her family believed was used to represent change.

The older woman also trusted me with legitimate bombs and poisons at eleven, although it was somewhat of a ordeal at first because I was not allowed in any village with them on me for a month after I got them. She also let me loose up on dagger training for a while, to teach me how to make poisons from plants so I didn't have to carry extra supplies.

It was before my eleventh birthday that we traveled back to some places, first the Mana temple, then Lake Umacy, and at Luin for combat training. She had told me that on our next trip, I was going to learn a set of artes I could use in combat. We were heading to the City of Luin to retrieve a journal about certain artes that had been written by her father.

"I had a sister in Triet!" Tia was telling me, as we walked closer to our destination. "We were born and raised in Luin, as I'm sure you already know. We used to walk to Lake Umacy together, and catch frogs with a few friends and my aunt!"

I smiled lightly. "I heard a rumor that frogs give you wrinkles..." I told her, my voice laced with familiar friendliness.

"Oh Ha-Ha," She rolled her eyes. "Very fu-" she was cut off. She straightened up, looking off into the distance. I looked forward as well, and tensed as discreetly as possible. "...nny…."

We had come into sights of Luin, and my teachers eyes narrowed as we both saw the odd stillness of the usually lively town.

"Its oddly quiet." I said, lowering my voice. "I wonder what the townsfolk have been up to lately…"

Usually, Luin had at least one band of carriage salesmen passing by, as Luin was a farming town. Also, Luin was very spread out, having many farms on the outskirts of the lake. We had not seen a single person, not a single monster for quite sometime, and we were on the main road.

She didn't say anything for a moment.

"Yes." She said quietly. "I wonder as well."

.

We both ran into the town square as quickly as possible, slowing to a halt when we saw a terrible sight, one that wasn't uncommon, but no less horrifying.

The Desians.

"What are the Desians doing here?" I asked out loud, looking straight ahead, tensed and ready to defend myself if necessary. Desians either wanted three things from the town; Money, Human livestock, or to make a example…. I didn't exactly approve of any personally.

"It doesn't matter," Tia mumbled, her dagger already out in a very graceful looking stance. _Much _prettier than mine at least. "It's never good."

Sure enough, we eventually got a close enough view to see a rather terrifying Desians. They held two young children hostage, one boy and one girl. Tia seemed to recognize them, because she immediately tensed up on sight. She mumbled something that I couldn't quite catch.

"But..._They have _children _hostage?_" She ground out angrily. Her fist were curled into tight balls, as she glared on ahead. "Not only that, but-! Of all people!"

I remained silent, trying not to let her seething anger scare me.

"Please, don't hurt them!" A woman in the front sobbed as several people held her back. "They've already lost their mother to the ranch, don't make them suffer the same fate…!"

I watched, I didn't know what to do, what _could _I do?

_**Why would anyone do anything? How is it their problem? People are selfish… **_

"Shut up, wench!" The Desian roared, and I heard a crunch and a cry of pain. I tried getting a closer look, but before I could I saw Tia run forward in the corner of my eye, and I whipped my head in the direction she ran; to the Desians.

"Tia!" I called out, trying to make my way through the crowed, only to be held back.

"We can't let you do that kiddo." A older man told me, and I looked back up to him with wide eyes. I recognized him as one of the mercenaries Tia introduced me to. "Tia would kill me if I let anything happen to you."

"What do you think you're doing?!"I heard Tia shout authority lining her voice. "Do you have no honor? These are children!"

I heard a rather sadistic laugh, and a loud smack of a whip, and a growl of pain. _Tia! _I began flailing wildly, trying to get out of the man's grip. Unfortunately I was trained to escape by not getting caught, _not _escaping _after_ being caught.

"We don't need honor for a insolent _bug_." I heard a Desian laugh sadistically. "We only waste our time on you because you are somewhat useful!"

I gritted my teeth. I had to help her!

_But what can I do? Get myself into trouble?_

_**That sounds nice. Add a couple of other people in the mess, and you're all set!**_

Gah! Why couldn't I just focus? It was just so… Ugh, It didn't matter! I couldn't do nothing. I.. I had to….

"We're leaving. Let this be a lesson to you inferior beings! You are only alive because we allow you to be, nothing more, nothing less!" The large desian spat, and I caught a glimpse of him walking away through the crowd. A dozen others followed, along with the two children they had hostage and…

Tia.

"T-Tia!" I called out, my voice cracking. "Tia!"

They were gone. They had left the city, by the time the man behind me let me loose. He let go of me, but I barely noticed him watching me tentatively. But I knew, I _knew…. _I still had time to save her. They still had to travel to the ranch, and in the meantime, they were vulnerable.

_**She can't even save **_**herself**_**, what could **_**you **_**possibly do? Everything you know she's taught you. I say its about time to let go anyways, the people you love are bound to disappear once in a while. Its all thats happened so far anyway.**_

Looking up at the mercenary was a mistake. We made eye contact.

"Oooh no." He said cautiously. "Nonononono. No." He shook his head. "You are not going after them.

Getting over my moment of weakness, I glared up at him. "This is the only chance I'm going to get." I told him, fully turning to him. "I don't even remember your name, why should I listen to-? Nevermind, I can't hesitate again! I am Tia's student! I can't just accept that she's being taken!"

"You're just a kid!" the man scolded. "I don't think you understand how hopelessly stupid this is!"

I resisted the urge to flinch, and pressed onwards. "I don't think you understand, I can't-"

"-Just sit back and let it happen, yeah yeah." The mercenary sighed. "... Don't expect me to go with you though."

"I wouldn't dream of it." I responded, assuring him that this was my job and mine alone.

.

I ran as fast as I could, hoping I'd catch up in time. My heart was beating faster than I thought it could, it took effort to put less power than my speed, and I could feel the energy of this world pumping through my body like blood, but much faster than usual.

It all happened so fast, truthfully I didn't understand any of it. How could _Tia_ be taken? She was too good. Too strong. There were many details I missed in the chaos, but the only thing that mattered was my mentor was taken and I had to save her.

I skidded to a stop the moment I heard voices, and it was at that point I became aware that I _did not have a plan. _I felt the urge to scream at myself out loud. How could I have not thought it through?! Usually I wasn't like that, I _always _had a plan before rushing into something, but I let the adrenaline get to me, an amature mistake.

_**You're going to fail anyways. Don't do this to yourself...**_

I remembered that my teacher disliked ambushes, she thought them to be disgraceful. Tia had taught me that right after getting me to be able to move quickly and flexibly. But right then it seemed like my best option, so how would I go about it?

High places was always a good way to go, especially in a forest in the middle of the day. So I would attack from above, I had vertigo powder in my bag, so I could throw that in first, then jump in the fray with my weapons. I couldn't throw that much in since I hadn't gained a resistance to it yet, but I could afford to if I had a mask. I _would_ line my throwing knives with poison and throw them in right before I jumped, but I didn't have time to get the poison set, and I didn't have the money to replace my knives.

I ripped off my sleeve with some struggle, trying to be as quiet as possible, and tied it to my face as I walked a little closer to the voices. I knew they weren't going to stop for a break, due to the fact the ranch was in the area of Luin, so I got as close as I possibly could to them before climbing a tree to secure a position of ambush.

I had never tree jumped before, but with my newly aquired balance from training with Tia, it was only a nuisance of a struggle to jump making minimal noise. Later I would scoff at how _naruto_ it was, but at that moment I was too focused, as I tried slowing down my Mana flow to calm me down, and I managed to do so with slight effort.

Luckily for me, they couldn't move fast due to the children prisoners, so I caught up to them quickly enough, because if it took too long they could call for reinforcements.

I heard the condescending voices of the half elves below, and as I began to reach for my poisons as I followed them, I realized _I couldn't poison them without poisoning the prisoners._ I almost growled in frustration, before retracting my hand and taking out my dagger already laced with poison instead.

_Guess we'll just have to do this the hard way._

I took a deep breath, and when I got in the perfect position just a few feet in front of them, I inconspicuously dropped to a lower branch so I didn't get hurt on my jump. Then as they were below me, I jumped.

I slit the throat of the large man that seemed to be there for no reason other than a meat shield, killing him, then threw one of my throwing knives into the heart of one of the archers. Luckily, that knife was sharp, so it cut through his light leather guard.

"ERIS!"

I heard a shout, and suddenly all the attention was focused on a single area-me.

I resisted the urge to flinch as I jumped up as several desians came at me at once.

"Eris! Get the hell out of here!" I heard Tia plead once more as she sounded like the old woman she really was. She was giving up, as I jumped out of the way of a arrow and dive to the side as a sword came down, and I swung my leg to kick the swordsman in the face before swiftly slitting his throat, again.

"I'm not leaving-!" I got cut off as I received a blow to the side with a hammer, _ouch,_ before allowing my adrenaline to kick in and maneuvered around the assailant and killed him too. I didn't even have time to breath until two more were on me, and I had to switch to jumping around so I didn't get hit. I had to be fast fast _fast_. I had never fought so hard in my life.

I continued this process until ten was dead and fifteen was left, an arrow in my arm, a cut on my face, and the realization that I was _severely outnumbered. _

Strike upon strike and I could not dodge all of them, but I tried. Everything was so fast, I felt the feeling of hopelessness as I hit dodged, hit hit _guard guard jump back avoid avoid, ahhhh I'm in so much trouble...!_

It was just a when I was about to get overwhelmed and claustrophobic and _dead, so so dead, _I felt the so so very incredibly liberating freeing _relief _from my attackers. I stumbled backwards, sensing the onslaught stop for a moment, before I noticed myself teetering backwards and I quickly righted myself, leaning forward on my knees instead.

I was able to catch my breath long enough to see two men in front of me, as if creating a barrier between me and the Desians. My relief.

But before I could say anything or anyone _did_ anything, I was thrown over one of their shoulders and getting out of there. I was facing back, and I lifted my head to get a long enough to see two hostages, the little boy and Tia, being held in a rather forceful and painful grip by the Desians that were left standing.

_I failed. The man in Luin was right. What was I thinking? These are _Desians_, the only reason I could get away before was because Tia was with me… How could she get captured? She was so strong, she was innocent, I was just an orphan, she took me in, saved me, and when it counted most I wasn't strong enough to repay the favor… Haven't I lost enough?_

_She was the only person I had left._

.


	6. Chapter 5- One Way Road

**Chapter 5**

**One Way Road That Can't be Retraced**

"Even the dead can't tell us they were scared."

**A/N**

_Okay, I'm not totally 100% sure about this chapter, but whatever. _

_Anyways, I saw Big Hero 6 this weekend! SO good~3 I just… My mind is still reeling. Not as good as How To Train Your Dragon, but still._

_And… Wow. The REVIEWS. Just… I'm so inspired. Thank you guys so much!_

_Also…. I DREW ERIS. I DREW ERIS. ONLY THE GODDESS ART. Honestly, I suck at pictures, and my on paper sketches look MUCH better, but I have no camera to post them, all I have is my dads computer… Anyways, I'm on Deviantart, my name is Projectalice1999. Its not good, but it gets the stuff across. Also, its a sketch of during the world regeneration. And MILD spoilers, but only result wise, not plot wise. :)_

**Arobaze- **_Thank you! Yeah, with what I have planned, I figured Eris's perspective should be somewhat dark to contrast… The future. Also, is seems like any and all tales characters are extremely optimistic, and somethings just don't make sense, so I figured I would chanel my negativity to make Eris's observations make more sense. For example, Lloyd misses many things regarding Kratos. Bu thats because its Lloyd, too optimistic, and as its been mentioned, Idealistic. So as a family unit, and to be able to observe the family dynamics from all angles, I figured Eris having a dark outlook could kinda offer insight to why things are happening, who's fault, who's flaws, etc… Also, being as torn as she is will bring up a later conversation that has lots of meaning. If you can point it out, congrats. But that's WAY ahead. _

**Ihavenoidea8-** _I'm extremely grateful for your input. Reviewing so fantastically, making predictions, observations etc really helps me to see what you notice, what I need to make a point of, and what kind of perspectives people wish to see, and what I want to test out with Eris. Also? Yes. I'm sure everyone can see Tia dying, but wait till you see why… Hehe. _

**MagatsuIza-** _Origin seal? Wow, I'm so happy you brought that up. There are several idea's running through my head for that. I mean… Its not just Lloyd anymore. Do we expect Kratos to kinda say(SPOILERS) 'Hey daughter, sit back and watch as I make your brother kill me, your father'? NO. But really, I do have a core plan for that, since this fic was made to observe the family dynamics(I know I said that already though), but there are so many ways to approach that…._

**Kurotiger-** _Just the fact that your reading it makes me happy. :) Glad you haven't lost interest!_

_Any improvements you want to see? Anything you want to hear? Comment, and I'll try my best. :) (You don't have to review though, (Though it helps), Reviews can't stop me from writing my best!)_

_**Please enjoy the story~!**_

_**0~0**_

"_Kregi safade slehiya tunoleba_

_watumi yufiniya_

_waituno se saifiszaiya_

_faituno se naidizaiya_

_(apeyumetumi ya)_

_shejumani siruvarant_

_krasa meyu sheina ifil_

_krezu mani putisala_

_krasa seidu fleina_

_shejumani siruvarant_

_prasa feinu sheina_

_ikimasi_

_a sheinu fleina_

_Arumateria~"_

_She was falling asleep, finally. The young woman noticed her recently born daughter had been acting strangely. So as a mother should, she watched her. She frowned as she recalled the oddly sluggish and depressed way the young newborn observed things, silent, sad, and lonely looking. It was then she recognized the truth behind the statement 'eyes are windows to the soul', a phrase her husband seemed to like repeating to her, no matter how out of character it was for someone like him. _

_After she realized it may have been because the little child had not been sleeping, she became worried sick. So she sang the lullaby her mother often sang, a song passed down to ministers and maids serving the church of martel. Her mother told her that it was made to bring the goddess closer, and although she didn't believe it, she had to admit the song had a extremely soothing effect. This was something that helped her in the ranch, and although the memories were bad, the song nullified all negative effects the memories brought._

_After the fifth or sixth time she pulled all nighters for the sake of her babe, Her spouse began to offer staying up with the girl in her place, knowing that she often worried a little too much about the odd nature of the quiet child, although she insisted she stayed up along with her. _

_As a teen, she couldn't ever sleep. Her mother would often sing her to sleep with the same song she was currently whispering softly to the young child in her arms, not to incorporate religion, but to calm her, much like she was doing at that moment. She loved her daughter so much, and though her partner had continually told her that their child looked exactly like his wife. He often 'worried she would be just as beautiful' too. _

_It was amusing to see the usually composed man so attached to the little lady born such a short while ago. Very cold to strangers, when it came to his own children though, he warmed up fairly quickly. _

_He loved his son, yes. But the little girl held a special place in her fathers heart. He had often told her that he never grew up with women, besides his mother(Whom his own daughter was named after), and at first he didn't know how to treat her. _

_Eventually, he became so attached that he would _insist _on being the one to comfort her when she was crying, and it was rare she herself ever held her when her husband was around. Although it _appeared _both father and daughter didn't care much for the others presence, the way he held her close and the way she would simply watch the man without ever looking away told her all she needed to know. _

_That girl would never be lonely as long as her father was around._

_It was odd really. Seeing such a stoic man turn into such a loving father. The second he returned from his errands, he would take both siblings out into the yard to play. She sighed. Looking down at the child, feeling the urge to cry at the sight at the little miracle. She didn't expect her to survive birth, being told it was unlikely but… she did. And she was so, _so _glad. _

_She couldn't see how such a beautiful baby could look anything like herself. _

"_I love you Rissy..." She mumbled, smiling at the unlikely nickname her father decided on. He wasn't the kind for cute nicknames, but he gave her one. She didn't mind of course. She thought it was suiting for the girl. _

_Anna only wished that her daughter could remember these things, just how much she and her father loved her. All the things they did because they love her, how they held her, all the things they would do for her. She wasn't planning on leaving anytime soon, but she teared up at the thought of her daughter forgetting. _

. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I sat up in my bed, droopy eyed from a bad nights sleep. I sighed, rubbing my face groggily, hearing the heavy breathing from the little blond girl next to me. I assumed she was having the same problems I did.

I was foggy from the dreams though. There were a couple of nightmares, but there was some memories I think. I didn't quite remember any of them, all I knew was there was an oddly familiar tune ringing in my head and the word 'Rissy'.

Everything was… Empty, for lack of better word. Hollow, nothing was happening, nothing happened, I was simply waking up to a unknown I remembered why I was unconscious, and I winced, the urge to jerk inward from the emotional pain heavy, but the bruises all over me helping me remain still. I almost wished I had my blades, jamming them into my chest sounded fantastic in contrast to my pain.

Everything played over and over again in my head, from the very beginning to the end to the second beginning. My parents of that world, this world, from Tia who saved me, from Tia who helped me, from Tia who trained me, from Tia who loved me… Some second beginning though, there was no true way to start over, unless I was to be reborn without memories, or if I was some sort of ghost, free of guilt. I mean, that sounded nice. A ghost named Ghosty. Whatever happened would be blamed on everyone else and…

I was thinking of everything and nothing at once, nothing but 'gone' ringing clearly to me.

_Tia… Tia… I miss you already…_

I turned my head to the window. It was early morning, and my wounds were stitched and bandaged. I assumed I had fallen asleep in exhaustion, the whole memory of the fight seemed to drag on forever. It would have been different in a group, but I was by myself and I was so _so _foolish. I could only imagine what price Tia and the boy left behind had to pay for it. Were they beaten for their presence causing trouble? Did they already have that horrid stone gouged into their flesh, separating the bones and attaching itself to the very essence of their being? I could already see the blood, I had seen plenty of bandits with them. They would never be able to get it out. It must hurt so-

"You're awake." I jumped in surprise, and turned around to see the two men who saved us, the first was the man from Luin, and the other… I wasn't too sure, but I hoped glaring would make them go away.

"Balder?" I asked quietly, glowering darkly for the intrusion. "What are you doing here?"

He laughed, but it wasn't as boisterous as I remembered it. I offhandedly noticed the gray in his hair, and I vaguely remembered Tia had started getting gray hairs as well. They were supposed to grow together, and ultimately die around the same time, but that was not to be.

"You gave me quite the scare…" He spoke, running a hand over his face tiredly, just like I did minutes before. "When this young man told me where you were and what you were up to, I got to you as soon as I could."

I turned to the mentioned 'young man', who had black hair and a very pale complexion. He had brown attire, and boots. The man who held us back. "You're that guy from Luin…" I recalled aloud, not having enough energy to uphold my glower, I dropped it for a tired grimace instead. "I thought you said you wanted nothing to do with all…" I waved to the girl on the bed. "This?"

He laughed wryly, and put his hand on his neck, rubbing it tiredly. "Yeah… But then when this guy went after you, I realized how much of a shame it would be if talent like yours got wasted rotting in a cell… You killed thirteen Desians, you know."

_Thirteen?_ I thought, tilting my head. _Have I got so accustomed to killing I lost count? _

"I couldn't save them though." I told them, looking down. "Tia and the boy, I mean."

"Yeah," The brown clad mercenary drawled, "We kinda figured that might happen." I sighed. Even a bystander knew that was going to happen. I was so… Weak.

When me nor Balder nor the sleeping girl said anything, he continued. "Anyways, my name is Chiron. Tia trained you?"

"Hey…" Balder warned lowly, watching me for my reaction. I knew that it was a sensitive subject, but I decided I might as well get used to the fact Tia was… gone.

"Its fine…" I assured him, ignoring the stab of pain at the name. "Nothing can make it worse anyways."

I remembered telling my teacher the exact same thing when we first met, and laughed lightly at the irony. Then, I wanted her to tell me and leave, Now? I wanted to leave and never accept the truth, no matter what I said aloud.

I wondered momentarily if it was a sign, some sort of hex saying 'You're cursed, things will get worse than it should be possible, because its _you_.' I knew that was a self absorbed thought process, so I dismissed the idea soon after it appeared. That time at least, the thought never came back.

I tooked a deep breath, and shifted so I was cross legged. "Yeah… Tia trained me…"

Chiron laughed a bit, pulling out a chair and sitting on it in front of me. "That was very impressive for someone your age… How did you do it?" He asked, with a light but curious tone. "Full force? Strategy?"

"Ambush." I replied, looking down at my hands. "I had to take a lot of my ideas out because of hostages."

_Pathetic. I fucking hate you. _I told my self, wanting to punch myself repeatedly. I shook my head, as I scrunched my nose at the unwanted and unnecessary thoughts. They weren't really helping my growing headache.

"You don't say?" He crossed his arms, and at this point Balder was now just standing off to a corner. "From the treetops I'm assuming? I didn't know Tia taught that sort of thing."

"She thinks its dishonorable." I replied. "But it was the most efficient way I could think of to help her_. _And the sad part was it _worked_... Kinda."

Going against my teachers beliefs, and being more successful in my work than I had ever been in any fight? It was sad, that I was losing respect for her soon after she died, and respect for myself.

"And does honor mean anything to you?"

I eyed him curiously, as he did the same to me, with a more serious expression.

"Honor to me…" I started slowly, "... Just seems like a way to impress people." I didn't bother elaborating, I was too tired to care if I was right or wrong.

"So you want to live a life of selfishness?"

"Possibly." I said without hesitation, seeming to catching him off guard. "Whatever makes me feel better, I guess."

Chiron laughed lightly, "Yes, I suppose so." He said, looking thoughtful.

After this, the seasons seemed to drag on. Chiron the mercenary escorted me back to Palmacosta, and for some reason stayed there. Balder took the little girl named Sarah back to Luin where she belonged, and I heard nothing from either of them since. Ann heard about what happened, and tried to cheer me up by buying me books and my favorite, tea.

I never got better. Several months passed of me leading a boring and empty lifestyle; Wake up, train, go up on the roof to read, walk around town, read the patrol reports, Train some more, Read, and go to sleep. Patrol reports were public information, since it was volunteer based.

That schedual became so consistent, Ann knew where I was every second of the day, and Sariah no longer felt it was necessary for me to tell them where I was anymore.

They already knew.

I bought myself a sketchbook, something that I considered so sacred to me in my past life that I refused to let anyone touch it unless I trusted them with my heart and soul. It was a window to my mind in the past, every last detail, from nerd stuff, to emotions, to events… It was like the most detailed diary ever known to man. I could have spent hours explaining just one picture.

I was good, but that didn't really matter to me exactly.

I spent hours drawing, I could easily say at least two fifths of my last life was spent drawing, or some form of art. There was nowhere I went without my sketchbook, and to be honest, getting used to not doing that in this life was the hardest thing imaginable.

I still felt the artistic tingle in my wrist, like a spidey sense for creativity. I knew I still had the skills, although I lost some initial thoughts I had in the past to create art. I could still do it.

Except I couldn't.

I stared at the paper before me, pencil in my hand. I didn't move for several minutes as I just stared at it. This was so… _Mikayla,_ and I was _Eris._ Drawing would feel too familiar, there was nothing familiar surrounding me. I felt no joy anymore. Drawing would be like living in the past, and the past was too hard to think about. It wasn't even a part of me anymore.

Sketching _was_ the only thing that was more dear to me than my own life. And I couldn't do it. I felt like I was betraying myself, but I just couldn't bring myself to write anything on that little piece of paper.

But… Who was I kidding? _Myself_? Just who was I referring to? I'm not Mikayla anymore. How could I betray _myself_ when… I wasn't even myself anymore? If myself meant _her_, then it wasn't myself at all. Its Eris. I _am_ Eris.

I got up, and walked away from the object that seemed to resemble my past. I felt hollow, empty, and I tried not to think about it. I couldn't do it anymore.

I eventually burned it, not able to stand the sight.

I found despite the people I grew fond of there, including Katherine, I just wanted to leave Palmacosta as soon as possible. After I tore my sleeve, I didn't get enough money to get a new shirt, so I just ripped off the other sleeve so it was at _least _symmetrical.

I searched hopelessly for Tia, even joining the patrol during my training time to find her. I knew she was in a ranch, but there were so many things that could have happened between when she got captured and when I got back, I couldn't just give up.

But I knew deep down inside she was dead. She was far from her prime, in her late fifties, and the Desians didn't exactly make it a point to keep their captives comfortable. She may not be dead _now_, or even tommorrow, but it was inevitable. I found it hard to consider her being alive, when the next thing I would hear would be her death.

Then I began to wonder… was that how Kratos felt? I always wondered if the man ever regreted meeting Anna, whether it be because it caused _him_ so much grief, his family to break apart and for Lloyd to never truly consider him his dad?

Did it hurt…? Was Kratos hurting, thinking that Lloyd was dead?

_He thinks I'm dead too._ I remembered, _Does he miss me too?_

I scoffed. How could I have been so foolish? Of _course_ Kratos wanted his family back. With Tias death, I understood. In regards to memories, the fact that I had them… I felt joy. But when I considered the fact there would be no _more_ memories like that, I wanted to curl in a ball and cry. My… My _father_ probably felt the same way.

Tia's age didn't matter. She may have been old, but she still felt like a young aunt. Did it fit? No. Do _I _fit? Absolutely not, but that doesn't change my feelings towards her, and it shouldn't for Kratos either. I was still unsure if I _deserved _to be considered his daughter, but… He missed Lloyd, and I was so selfish, thinking he wouldn't even think about me.

The worst part about Tia's death was Katherine.

Like usual, I said only what I was comfortable with. That was that "Tia was attacked by Desians on the way to Luin…. I'm sorry…."

There was so much unsaid, but I felt like if I couldn't say it all, I couldn't say _anything._ I was a coward, and Katherine deserved better. If it was her, I knew she would have told me everything.

She refused to come out of her house for days, and the times I checked up on her, she never ate. It took a earthquake to get her out of her house on a good day.

She eventually got better, in fact after the events of Tia's death she seemed to gain a will incomparable to anyone, and studied even harder on medicine. She actually became somewhat of a prodigy.

_I_ started giving up more and more each day.

A year passed and nothing changed at all. Until I ran into Chiron again.

"Hey kid, long time no see…"

I turned around on the curb I was sitting on, and saw a familiar mop of black hair. He was standing behind me in a very loose fashion, exactly how I remembered him being. A complete dickweed, not caring at all for sadness.

_Not true, _I tried denying these thoughts. To be honest, I didn't even know where it came from. _He's allowed to do what he wants, it wasn't… _isn't _his problem. He had his reasons… I think..._

"Chiron." I greeted, and looked back to the sights in front of me. "I'm surprised to see you back in Palmacosta. Come back for Business?"

I heard a laugh. "Never left actually." I heard a shuffle behind me, and I saw him sit next to me on the curb.

"Really?" I said disinterestedly. "And why would that be…?"

"Well to be honest," The merc started, looking at me from the corner of his eye. "Tia told me if anything ever happened to her, she wanted me to make sure nothing happened to _you_ here in Palmacosta."

I sighed. I should have figured something was odd. Tia was always worried about people taking advantage of my age, after all I was good at what I did(Not the best of course, but just as good as any adult), but I figured Dorr's militia was big enough at this point, so people had no reason to specifically seek me out for help anymore, like many combat able men. I didn't think it was because someone was looking out for me specifically though.

"When did she ask you to do that? A few years ago?"

"Yes actually… So how's your combat skills coming?"

I didn't shift at the sudden change of subject, continuing as I did before. "Ever since Tia died, I've been somewhat at a standstill. But its definitely not rusty yet."

"'Yet'? Are you planning on giving up?"

"No." I drawled him, rolling my eyes. "But we all grow old someday."

"Twelve and already thinking about old age?" Chiron laughed a bit. "Kid, you may be unnaturally hollow for your age, but you still have a lot to learn."

"Don't we all?" I retorted, kicking a large stone in front of me on the pavement.

"Yes…" He said, now turning serious. "But some less than others… Thats when you learn from others."

"Okay, I'll bite. Teach me something."

"I'll do better." He said, and I looked to him to see the older man smirking. "I'll train you."

I raised my eyebrow, unimpressed. "_You'll_ train _me_? Sorry, but uh… I have a dagger, not a chain blade." Sure enough, he had a chain blade looping around his waist behind him, not a dagger.

"Heh. You think thats the only thing I know?" He laughed, eyeing me with amusement as I watched back with interest. "I've watched you fight. Swordsmanship isn't your problem, you work well with _options_. The more odd things you know how to do, the better you'll be in a fight, because thats just _you_."

_**Seriously, did he get the memo? We're thieves, not **_**swordsmen.** _**Or swordslady. Woman. Whatever.**_

I turned my gaze to him fully, he had got my full attention.

"Look," He said, now sobering up a bit. "I feel like if I take her place, I can make everything up to her… You can understand that, can't you?"

I stared him down, and he looked right back. He seemed very sincere about his proposition. I wasn't sure if I wanted to risk it again. I didn't want to get close to him, only to have something happen or him to leave. But then I remembered- Kratos. I wanted to meet him. He deserves our memories of his family than what he had already. Finally, I nodded. Looking away I said "Yeah, do what you want. Your not my _teacher_ though."

He laughed. "Of course not. That spot is already taken."

. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I had received a letter from the little girl that was rescued in Luin. Surprised to get one at all, I had read it completely silent.

_To, Eris_

_I'm not really sure how to start, but… I guess I heard from Balder that you came to save me a couple years ago. I just wanted to thank you, and I think I would like to meet you. Not saying that you have to, but if you're ever around, please come see me?_

_From, Sarah_

With his help, I learned many different skills, such as reading Angelic (Which was really just latin), dealing with greedy merchants, acting, how to use more weaponry, and for some reason, infiltration.

Lots of Infiltration.

"Have you learned many Artes yet?" He asked me as I was swinging my blade rather viciously at a tree, fighting the way he was teaching. Tia was a very smooth and fast attacker. Chiron was a very unpredictable, but deliberate and uneven fighter.

It was hard, but I knew it was efficient.

"No." I huffed out without thinking, continuing testing the attacks he had shown me. But then I stopped. I took a gulp of breath, setting my hands on my hips as I looked at my new tutor. "Wait. Yes I have. But… Not many."

"From Tia?" He said, but he wasn't really _asking_. I nodded, and he walked closer to me, sitting down on the log a few feet away. "What did she teach you exactly?"

I looked away. I didn't want to talk about her. I didn't want to think about her. I simply wanted to fight, and train, and _work_. Not… Think. Not regret, not… Not anything.

"... I'm not going to talk about her." He assured. "But you should know what…What she wanted you to learn."

"She was my teacher." I said. I didn't want to think about her, didn't want to regret, not…. "She was a healer. A fighter. Thats all."

"Thats not all." He sighed, sounding frustrated. "She wasn't part of the church of Martel, but she was told to research and study summon spirits, creatures rarely seen since Spiritua."

"So what?" I asked. "Who cares what she was interested in?"

"You should." He told me, and I could hear the strain in his voice. "... Because you might take up that role."

"And why would I do that?" I asked without pausing. I wasn't interested in being bound to anything. I didn't want to join some gang.

"You're aware of the political standpoint in Sylvarant." He started, and I looked up to him. I had told him my thoughts. I didn't tell him how I knew, but I told him it was crucial we had a good government, so we were strong. But the problem was the desians, because like any kingdom, the strongest won. And they gave us no chance to govern ourselves because of that fact.

"Yeah." I responded, "But what does that have to do with me?"

"... Summon spirits govern the world. What if you could use their power somehow? Learn how the world depends on them, so the desians have to depend on _you_."

Somehow I felt he was grasping at straws in trying to talk me into it, and although he had a point I wanted to remain free. I didn't want to do anything for anyone elses gain.

I laughed bitterly. "Oh yeah? And just how would I go about that? Summoning artes are lost, and I'm not a half elf. I can summon anything, so what else is there to know?"

"Actually thats false." He said, smirking. "Summoning spirits arent a uncontrollable magic we know nothing about. Its a science, why do you think summoning is possible in the first place? If we can affect it, we can study it."

I glared at him. What made him so sure it was useful information? I voiced my question, and his smirk turned to a frown. He was silent.

I was silent too.

"... Tia's teacher took part of the research, and so did she. If she mentioned it, she may have thought it to be a good idea for the research to be handed to _you_ if she mentioned it at all. So if you're interested…" He shrugged one shoulder. "Just check it out."

I knew he wasn't going to tell me further information, just so he could gauge my interest. And the fact was… Yes. I was interested. Very much so.

I scowled. "... And just how would I do this this exactly?"

He was back to being a idiot again, as he smirked. "Well, thats hidden. Can't let the information leak, now can we?"

"So you're part of it then."

"Maybe. Maybe not. But if you're interested, tag along with me sometime."

Somehow, over the span of time, Giles and Kaiden became a part of me and Anns circle of friends. It happened over time, and after they both matured a bit we all mixed a bit more well. Although I was distant, and I tried to get away, they wanted to see me.

The roof was our favorite spot as usual, and we would sit there and talk for hours.

"-Sariah told me I was grounded for it too! I didn't even do it!" Kaiden complained, scrunching up his nose. "She always assumes its me, she's just like every other grown-up!"

We were all sitting in various places around the roof, me on the crate, Giles cross legged on the ground with Ann, and Kaiden, the only one who ever talks, on the edge of the roof with his legs hanging off.

Dangerous, I know. But he hasn't fallen off _yet_. So I figured it couldn't be worse than what the rest of the world had in store for us.

"I think she's just worried about you…" Ann tried reasoning, albeit half heartedly.

"She has about thirty orphans to care for." I said. I leaned back a bit. "Adults have bigger things to worry about, like their own lives for a instance."

"Adults don't make sense." Giles pitched in. "Why work with something if you're not going to enjoy it?"

_**The world is a mess and I just need to rule it~! Dr. Horrible. Only thing I really liked back on earth really. Well, **_**we**_**.**_

I almost laughed at my own thoughts, for some reason the musical still fresh in my memory from a past life long ago. Instead I shrugged. I may have legally been an adult in my last life, but I wasn't an elder either. I didn't' have kids, nor much experience with the...inexperienced. So I couldn't exactly vouch for Sariah, without being insincere. I didn't know her well, but neither did Kaiden, so I remained pretty apathetic on the matter.

The year passed and my training got more and more rigorous. I never asked about Tia's research, deciding I didn't care enough to look into it yet. I turned thirteen, and the realization I came to was that _I was still really short._ Chiron was allowed to train me for longer, and make sure I completed my first and only job by myself.

I got back to traveling a while before that, as I knew saying in Palmacosta wouldn't work for me in the end. It was a good distraction from the events that… Killed my old teacher, and although it was painful at first because I was aware of the fact Tia was not with me, I got used to it eventually.

I was numbed to the absence of companionship.

Chiron came with me at first, but after he got busy with his own jobs he started letting me go by myself. After all, it was _my_ job. He was his own soldier, and me my own.

It was nerve wracking at first, but then I realized if I just kept doing the same things as before, I would be perfectly fine. After all, doing jobs like Tia did got her connections, and I had quite a few already.

I never went back to Luin. I avoided Iselia, even though it took all of my strength to do so. It wasn't a _great _idea, but I figured I would deal with it when the time came.

I managed to get to Triet though. I will say this though, Triet _looks_ cool, but the heat ruins fuckin' _everything._ That fact didn't change at all from my last life, I supposed I was cursed to never be tolerant of the heat in any life.

I met some people on my own, and after helping some of Tia's old friends and spreading the word of what happened to her, I eventually became someone who could be hired, with the right price. Lucky for my objective.

I didn't start calling myself a mercenary for a long time. But thats kind of what I was to the world, I supposed. I wasn't fond of the title.

I started out doing many jobs in Asgard at first, so I ended up with plenty contacts there. I actually ended up doing a job for Linar and his older sister once, it lasted about a week. I was to gather samples from different areas in Asgard, at one point I had to get samples from the monsters around the edges of the cliffs. They were old monsters, untouched for centuries, so I had to be extremely careful.

I wasn't sure if they got anything out of my samples, but I got paid decently. But feeling bad for them, I decided to cut them some slack and have them pay me only a thousand instead for a weeks work of harsh labor.

I knew that a little person wouldn't help, but baby steps. That would do the trick.

But since I was a kid, I didn't get anything too risky, until word started to get around that I could fight rather well. That was when I was approached by a woman in Triet.

"Hey. Short stuff!" I turned to the voice, to see a rather skimpy looking woman on the streets, not that I could really talk, but at least I had a _reason_ for my outfit. Also, I was mostly zipped up. It was getting worn down, so I was saving up some money to buy more gear and a new outfit that would work with how I was trained.

I could tell by the sway in her walk that she was somewhat tipsy. I felt my stomach churn, drunks always made me especially nervous. I had gotten drunk before once on accident, and I knew for a fact people were _not _themselves when they were intoxicated.

"What is it?" I asked, stopping on the side of the dusty road, and allowing her to catch up to me. I could at least see what she wanted, if it wasn't for the fact I could beat her down and outrun her at the same time, I probably would have ignored her completely.

"You're that girl from all those years ago. I recognize you... I remember your little exploit in Luin was quite the story." Although she was drunk, she was completely serious and prepared for business.

I put on a poker face, and tilted my head. She wanted something from me, and I was curious to see what would make a drunk woman sober. And why she would even remember, where did she see me? "And what exactly did you hear?"

At that point we were standing side to side, and I imagined we looked pretty odd to passerby. The child and The drunk…. _How was that remotely funny? _I thought, feeling kind of odd. I may technically be an adult, but the anxiety that comes from the typical 'don't talk to strangers' chastisement still made me chary. It was pretty annoying.

"I heard many things." She sighed out, looking at me with somewhat of a fake smile. Her tone was coy, hinting that she heard many different stories as recently said, but one in particular stood out She was dodging it in a way I couldn't lie about it. So what she was getting at was still a mystery. "But the only thing that that matters to me, is that you have a gift for things like combat… assassination… _infiltration_."

_**Did I hear the word assassination?**_

I raised my eyebrow, somewhat surprised. At this point, I had no problem carrying out either of those options, but…I had never truly _assassinated _anyone. Sure, killing is killing, but slaughter and a swift take out were not the same thing, and I was definitely not thinking of the chinese type of takeout.

"Miss, I don't even know your name." I sniffed, knowing the bratty look would make her reconsider. "And are you aware that you're asking a _twelve year old girl _to do this?"

Her smile dropped, now returning to being one hundred percent official. "Listen, I can tell by looking at you that you're a smart kid." Well shit. "I should have you know I have no problems asking a little girl to do my dirty work as long as I _get what I want._"

I watched the woman silently, waiting for her to continue. I was interested, but only because I was saving up to get out of Palmacosta as soon as possible. I also wasn't sure how much influential power she had, so the job could be useful… It was at that point I started to notice the odd, leafy plant like way her mana moved.

To the untrained eye, she would have looked like a petty drunkard woman. To the trained eye… She would have looked like a drunk, petty Female.

But out of a stroke of luck, I don't know how I missed it at all(I assumed it was the alcohol actually, it seemed to make mana movement in ones body sluggish, matching the surroundings. It would be a perfect camouflage for sensors like myself), but the spark of energy was definitely not human.

_She's a half elf?_

"This is a pretty important mission, but I'll have you know I'm far from desperate." She continued haughtily, not realizing that I figured her out at all. "You're just a respectable choice with the details I currently have. So I'm willing to give you thirty thousand gald… Take it or leave it."

I thought over her offer, knowing that for a kid, this was a _lot _of money to have at my disposal. I could buy the new supplies I needed, and possibly a new dagger. A larger one, since right at that moment, my 'dagger' felt more like a knife. I managed to keep it in pretty good condition, but you can only use it rigorously every other day and keep it sharp for so long.

On another note, to be able to _spend _that sort of money? That meant the woman was far from a nobody.

"Am I allowed to back out, if I don't like the mission?" I asked half heartedly. I knew I wouldn't, I _wanted_ the money and for the word to get out that I was a competent worker despite my 'age'.

The woman laughed. "No. But if there was a good chance you would back out, I wouldn't ask you."

_**Sounds legit and in no way dangerous. What's the worst that can happen?**_

I let out a unamused, breathy laugh. "Okay. I'll do it. Where should we talk?"

She hummed, and grabbed my hand like an adult would grab their childs. I knew it was only for show though, it wouldn't be very beneficial to be attacked by civilians on the way, who thought she was being kidnapped(Even if she was drunk, but it was easy to miss that with the way she held herself)."Follow my lead."

We walked into a rather nice inn(For Sylvarant), and sat at one of the tables. There was hardly any people, and I was glad for the break from the sandy atmosphere. It was still hot, however, so not much less miserable, and the dryness was hurting my throat, and my headache was growing increasingly worse. But the fact I was out of direct sunlight, wind, noise and I no longer had to move really helped at the very least.

"There's been a rather annoying gang wandering the streets of Triet called the Dark wings." She began, looking through the rather small menu. I noticed that she was looking on the alcoholic side of the paper, not at all interested in any of the other inn dishes. "They've been stealing from a lot of the villagers. I've found out their base of operations, but unfortunately no one is strong enough or skilled enough to take our stuff back."

"I get the feeling it's less about _our _stuff, and more about _your _stuff." I commented dryly, tracing the sand on the table boredly.

"Exactly." She agreed, not even faltering a bit. I raised my eyebrow. "Its killing two birds with one stone, I get the reputation and you get the money. I also get my life's work back."

That was good. If she _needed _a reputation, that meant she had power _somewhere_. It sounded like she was a businesswoman in trade too, so that would be especially useful if I ever needed her again.

"And what would that be?"

"I find refined expheres, and sell them to travelers."

I turned to her, bugged eyed and surprised. _The _thing _that the whole game is centered around?_

"Expheres? I thought only Desians had them?"

"And thats who I steal them from." She drunkard retorted, smirking in a very sadistic way. "People will pay tons for a exphere, if they have the money. Mostly, the people in Luin and Triet buy them, but they _are _expensive…"

"_You_ steal them?" I asked, raising my eyebrow. "Not to be rude, but I take you more as the type who would rather have someone else do the dirty work."

"I'm afraid you're not entitled to the details." She laughed a bit, not at all ashamed at my assumption. "But I will admit, I'm not _directly _involved in this business particularly. I just want money, and by working with them I get some more power within the trading businesses."

I didn't pry any further, although I was incredibly curious. "So you want me to take back the expheres, and possibly any other possessions they've stolen?"

"_Your_ first priority is getting back the expheres." She pointed out to me, clarifying my summary. "… But if you manage to take the whole gang down, I'll pay you double." She drawled, smiling very mockingly. I found myself wondering just how she was able to throw that money around in Sylvarant of all places_. _Yeah, there were _wealthy_ people, but I wasn't aware _rich_ people even existed here. But I supposed they did have a royal family, so who knew. Well… Wherever there was money there was power I guessed.

I nodded, agreeing to her proposition. "Alright. I'll do it. No rules, right?" She shook her head, and handed me a piece of paper.

"This paper has the location of the store house they took over. I will give you the money when you give me the expheres. I expect this to be finished by the end of the week. Meet me back here when you're finished." She held her hand out to me. "When you do, ask for the name Renenet Cerius. Do we have a deal?"

By the end of the week meant three days, so I could spend the rest of that day on a planning, the next on supplies then the operation itself. I was overconfident maybe, but its not like I cared truly. Even if word got out to the gang, them plotting a retaliation would stir up some trouble, and it would be that much easier for me to pick them out.

I took her hand, and shook it. "Eris. Deal."

I bought a place at the Inn we had walked in for five hundred gald, and layed what little possessions I brought with me on my table to prepare for the next day.

I got to work on lacing my dagger with my strongest powdered poison(It lasts longer), and my throwing knives with liquid vertigo poison and hallucinogens. I got some loosely tied cloth with some poison powder inside, so it would be a bomb of sorts if I threw it down.

I also made sure my actual bombs were all in working condition, and when they were, I began to make a plan.

In the paper, she also gave me the lay out of the building. So I would get _in_ by the typical option; a vent. I didn't know the residents well enough to get me a key to the underground tunnels, which led to every building in Triet, due to the constant threat of sandstorms. Unfortunately few knew about it, and fewer could get into it. They weren't in the middle of a storm season, so the chances of it being unlocked in a single building was very low. I wasn't about to search every single building either.

I would get out in a place with lots of gang members in it, take them out, then go straight for their leader.

Not much, but basic enough to survive.

The layout of the place reminded me much of the Oracle Knight HQ in Tales of the Abyss. I supposed there was a reason for that, but I didn't want to dwell on it until it actually mattered.

I got through without any qualms, although instead of killing the gang leader, all it turned out I had to do was take away his stolen exphere and tie him up, and he was very easy to deal with. None of his goons could do anything, so when I poisoned him so he could never move again I figured that would do the trick. It sucked because it was my most valuable poison, and hardest to make, but… Oh well.

I managed to injure most of the gang members, which was honestly only about ten teenage to young adult fighters, so it was fairly easy.

I got the money for my efforts, sixty thousand gald. It wasn't like I saved the city or anything, but I still helped out and it made me feel pretty good.

I was getting ready to leave the town, when Renenet found me once again, just before I was about to leave.

"Hey. I have a question, short stuff. Do you do this for a living, or did you just pitch in because I offered you a little Gald?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, I do stuff for a little money. But this is my first infiltration mission."

She hummed. "Oh really? Well you did a incredibly good job. I'll keep you in mind." She walked away from me after a mocking salute, and that was the last I saw of her for a very long time.

But not the last I heard.

"Wait, hold on, you took on an infiltration mission from Renenet? Renenet Cerius? Are you _serious?_"

"Well yeah." I shrugged, biting my cheek at the dumb joke about the last line attempting to force its way up. I looked away, hoping he wouldn't see the amusement in my eyes as Chiron stared in shock. "She offered me a lot of money… Why, do you know her?"

"She's about the most wealthy woman you'll ever find in Sylvarant!" He exclaimed with a grin. This was an odd sight to me, "She makes a living by investing in all sorts of different businesses. Most shops and things are family owned, but there are a lot of weapon shops and things of the like associated with her. Out of all the people, you found _her_, the woman with the most connections in the world. Well." He waved his hand. "_This _world at least."

"Well that explains why she was so willing to give sixty thousand gald to a twelve year old. Is she a bad person?"

"No! No No No, I mean, not for you at least!" Chiron exclaimed, looking serious. "Your name is going to get around, and people will start _seeking you out _for work! You're gonna get a lot of money _and _connections! Damn kid! You've got some luck, most will _beg _her to let them help her!"

I pursed my lips. Seeking me out? I didn't want that. Many caused trouble, because the more trouble there is, the more people are needed to solve it. AKA, business. At that time, there were _plenty_ of problems, and I wasn't willing to place my bets on the chosens 'quest for world peace'.

There was no such thing as a true success.

Did I want to be seeked out? Not truly. Because when everything was done and over it, I didn't want to be stuck in the familiar life of a mercenary. I didn't want to be trapped in the cycle, unable to say no to work.

"You should probably make a report to the AI." Chiron told me. I smiled weakly. "You haven't been there for a while, right?"

The years passed, and I turned fourteen. Sure enough, people began to seek me out for work, and I found myself taking on more and more infiltration missions. I got increasingly more skilled at what I did, and eventually got further from my friends. The only one I really kept in touch with was surprisingly Kaiden, who still kept in touch with _everyone_.

I finally got the star insignia Tia had sewn on my jacket, one on the arm and my back. A five pointed star. On that note, I also grew sick of not having the familiar hoop piercing on my right ear, so I finally got a needle and earing, and got my old piercing back.

A guilty pleasure really. The lack of it was driving me crazy, even if it did remind me a little too much of my first mother. We had gone and got the same piercing when I turned nineteen for both our birthdays. We had the same date listed for our birth(Minus years of course). Truthfully, all the earing did was serve as a reminder that I couldn't even _remember_ our faces in that life and I felt myself doubting my remembrance of my old birthday, other than it was summer eighteen. I was vague on the month. Of course, I found myself missing that attachment to my mother, something I could never hold dear in this life.

There were several people who tried getting me to infiltrate the Desian ranches, but I refused, the scars of my past were not yet gone. I knew that sounded cheesy, but I just couldn't do it. It didn't matter how strong I'd get, and as much as I wanted to look for Tia…

_I don't want anyone getting hurt. I don't want anywhere near the ranch the teacher I loved has been tortured. I hate suffering, I hate not being able to do anything about it. _

Selfish, I know. But selfish is sometimes the best a person can do.


	7. Chapter 6- Tug of War

**Chapter 6**

**The Tug of War Called Fate and Desire**

"The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls."

**A/N**

**Yeah, last chapter was extremely slow, so I decided to post the next one. **

**Ugh, can't wait till she's sixteen… **

**Anyways, yeah. I also apologize for bad grammar. I haven't been checking my work very well…**

**And the whole thing at the beginning of the last chapter? Sort of an apology for the long wait. I might write some more of those types of things, maybe in another story or at the beginning of a chapter as a somewhat apology. So feel free to kinda ask for whatever, I won't guarantee anything, but if I feel like I need to repay you guys, well… Whatever. Spoof, serious, different POV whatever, I don't really care. What if scenarios too. **

**Also, I'm really sorry if everything seems rushed. I'm triying to get to the actual story, but she's so far away from Lloyd and the gang, I have to create a whole new story. **

**It will be paced better in the story line soon. By the way, as another apology for the generally shity writing, I will tell you a secret.**

**THE BIG QUESTION**

**When Is The Story Arc?**

**ANSWER**

**Chapter 8**

**Woohoo! So close guys! So, how do you think it'll play out? Haha, Kinda wanna hear predictions, but I don't care too much since its already written and set in stone, I might make slight ajustments. **

**Aaaaany way, if you ignored everything I said thats totally fine. I just like to know people like reading, so…**

**Enjoy!~**

The news of the Governor-General Dorr's wife passing away came. Sure enough, it was a tragic experience. I watched as a few days later, he gave his obviously fake speech on how it was possible for the human race to prevail against the Desians as long as we were willing to work to pay the price.

"Do you see it?" I looked up to the sky and frowned. I wasn't one to talk to myself, but its impossible to keep everything to yourself sometimes, especially when you're in a mood. "Its happening already..."

It was another step in the plot, another step closer to the big decisions- Sure, I had made conclusions, absolute observations and yeah, resolves. But to follow through with them all…

The lies spread through Palmacosta like a disease people couldn't realize to even have. Most fell for it, and the few that verbally announced they saw through his lies were ostracized. Heaven forbid anyone makes it harder on the man, after all, he has to take care of his young daughter by himself!

Eventually, everyone conformed to everyone else and there was no one who _didn't_ idolize Dorr. Except me, Katherine and possibly a few others. I stayed true to my teachers and past knowledge to make sure I would never fall for the falseness. And some? There were just some people who thought that any sort of rule was corrupt. If only they could see the world of my past life, they would have a heart attack…

I ended up moving in with Katherine over the years. She was seventeen at that point, and with the money she saved up and left overs from Tia she managed to buy a good house. I stayed there when I wasn't traveling or visiting 'friends', which was barely ever. She had changed from the overbearing, attention hog of a child to a loving, caring, generous young woman. In my past life, I would have been jealous. She would be everything to everyone, while I felt like nothing. But at the given time? I was Eris, did I even have the right of wishing to be someone else, when I was already _someone else_? Wishing to be someone else… It already detaches a person from oneself with a _normal_ mindset, but with me? I would just lose myself completely, mostly because I didn't even know who I even was anymore.

It was a constant struggle, and although it seemed repeated, it was completely relevant. I could be completely satisfied with a thought process one day, but then the next I would scrap it and test out the next one. For example, one day I would feel as if it was okay if the world was going to shit, because I was fine. But the next it would be me feeling guilty, because I had all the time to do something, but never bothered. There were other slight things, but still. It mattered.

It was truly taxing.

I didn't… I didn't know. It wasn't even Mikayla against Eris anymore it seemed. It was… There was more. Insanity? Maybe. Or perhaps the new mind, old memories, different body shape, same body movement was affecting my mental state so badly I was beginning to make multiple persona's to protect myself. All the differences between the past and present, the contrasts between how I should feel based on how I _was _raised, and how I should feel based on how I was 'raised'... Or something. One day, I would say 'I'm Eris' and another would be 'its Mikayla'. I struggled with both. Was I both?

I would never be satisfied until I knew for sure.

I couldn't simply say 'I do what I do and what I do is who I am' because… Well, there has to be an 'I' to do what I do. Who was I? Was I Eris, or was I Mikayla? A question so often brought up, but could it ever be truly answered?

I thought not. I thought never, I was cursed to never know.

But being with Katherine helped. At least if I had a social label, I could conform to it. If I was some little kid to someone, fine. If people perceived me differently, fine. I could become who other people saw me as, simply because it spared me from the insanity of it all.

I appreciated being labeled.

"I feel like I can get to know Grandmother through getting to know you…" Katherine had told me the day she offered to let me stay in her home. I helped her pay the bills, it wasn't half and half exactly since I was barely there, but it was still enough to help her out.

I was growing rather skilled, and by the time I turned fourteen, Chiron had finally left Palmacosta and back to traveling, to continue with his business. He actually stayed longer than expected(A few years is quite some time for a mercenary to generally stay in one place).

Kaiden. Where did I ever even begin? He was a punk. People seemed to come and go, but he stuck around. A very specific reason though, with how he tagged along, but made sure I was aware that he wasn't particularly attached. The way he'd always get into trouble with the boys whenever I was around, the signs were pretty obvious.

I wasn't exactly fond of being an object for someone's affections.

Yeah, pretty cocky I know, and it was kinda surprising, but I knew the signs from time spent looking back in the past. To be honest, I was much prettier in my last life. I wasn't _exactly_ ugly in this one though. I was short and pixie like, with messy auburn hair and intense reddish brown eyes. But when someone constantly blushes(Manly like, I might add) at everything you say that isn't an obvious insult, always making jokes, and laughing at pathetic dry humor, there's a large chance that yes. He liked me. So, I did what any good person would do and told him to find some other girl to hound.

In retrospect, that probably wasn't the greatest way to handle it, but it would cause problems later on, I knew. It was awkward(For him, I couldn't care less), but he got over it. We were friends.

I finally got that outfit replacement I needed too.

I had the same gear, except I had a lot more weapons and my main daggers were more like short(And by short, I meant the blade itself was the length of my fingertips to my elbow). What I had also included a new shirt, and I had torso straps for extra daggers and pouches to be stored underneath my new zip up. Tan shorts were the new thing as well, short and baggy(Classy, I liked to say), and just underneath my good old familiar weapon pouches. And for comforts sake(Since for some reason, socks were actually worthless in Sylvarant), I used bindings so my boots wouldn't give me blisters. They didn't go up high, so they weren't very… Mummy-ish.

For some reason, over time the Desian activity was slowly waning in the southeast. Though when I traveled closer to Iselia, the activity increased largely. That was a cause for concern, but I supposed since they had to keep up their dastardly reputation. Except… It left room to wonder, just what _were _the Desians doing in the southern areas, anyway? Twiddling their thumbs? I thought not.

I still hadn't been to Luin in years. Although I did receive a few letters, one from Balder checking up on me and telling me I was welcome to stay in his new home in Luin. The other three were from the little girl Balder and Chiron saved along with me all those years ago. Sarah.

That one was a year or so after the incident. The next one came after three years of living with Katherine and at fifteen years old, and it was the most shocking and confusing one of all.

It was a… normal day. I had run to the pier to catch some guy before he took off to Izoold, bought groceries, walked around town with Kaiden, hid out in the library(Reading myths), before coming back to the house to relax. I stepped through the door, noticing the normal sight of Katherine sitting on the couch. She was cross legged, scowling at some piece of paper like she was blaming world hunger on the small object, before looking up sharply as I intentionally shut the door a little too loud to alert her my precense so I didn't give her a heart attack if she didn't happen to notice me in time.

"Oh. Hey Eris, nice to actually see your face for once. Bring back any souvenirs from Jötunheimr? It'd be nice to see what you've been up to before I go to the Robinson's house to help their husband recover."

I rolled my eyes. In Aselia, Jötunheimr was a place parents told their kids about when teaching history lessons. It was also part of one of the more famous books in the world(Basically the equivalent of Harry Potter), so it would make sense nerds like me and Katherine would reference it and respond to it as a normal occurrence. In the book, it was a world that contained giants, and a world with the ability to sever destiny, yada yada yada, point is just because I was in another world, didn't mean nerds didn't exist.

"Not right now Katherine." I sighed, walking past her. She stood up in response.

"Wait a minute!" She grabbed my collar, and I glared at her. Just to spite her, I continued walking when she let go. Surprisingly, she said and did nothing.

Except she _didn't _not do something, I realized as I felt a soft corner hit my head from projected force.

"What the-" I whipped around, trying to see what she threw- A letter. I picked it up with a slight scowl, reading the name and address: _To, Eris S. Palmacosta, Eastern Residences. From, Sarah V.. Luin, South East Residences. _

I raised my eyebrow, waving the letter at Katherine. She walked up to me with a slight pout on her face. I wasn't affected by her unaffected attitude, already being used to it. "Whats this…?" As I thought about it another thing stood out as well, so I asked, "And why didn't you read it?"

She shrugged. "Oh please, it was addressed to _you_. What, not old enough to read big girl letters by yourself?" I tutted loudly at the not so clever insult.

"Right." I drawled, beginning to rip the letter to open it so I could read its contents. Katherine's eyes were oddly set on the letter. I tilted my head awkwardly. "Uh. Whats up?"

She didn't even hesitate before pointing to the letter and answering my question. "A few things, but mostly- It says Eris '_S'_. What does the 'S' stand for anyways? I thought you were an orphan?"

I blinked. Then I suddenly realized what exactly she was asking, and chuckled nervously. "I- I am, and I still don't know my parents, but…"

"'But'?" She put her hand loosely on her hip, raising her eyebrow(A Tia trait we both picked up, but neither of us ever verbally acknowledged it) challengingly.

I raised my hands defensively. "Its required to have a last name in Palmacosta when you are a self sustained resident, so I got to choose mine. Its Eris backwards. Standard, but it works."

Katherine was silent for a moment, before grinning mockingly. "Is that the best you could come up with?"

I blushed, looking away indignantly. "Why does it even matter?!"

She laughed. "You could have just used the Vallance name, or even mine. No one would have really _cared_."

I didn't comment, simply tilting my head. Sure, maybe no one would have cared. But it still felt wrong somehow, like I was invading. When it became clear there was nothing else to be said, I walked up to my room to read the letter.

Flopping on the springy mattress, kicking aside some odd trinkets I'd picked up as well as books and notes I used to study with, I quickly tore open the letter.

_Dear, Eris_

_Hey. I know its been a while, but I still remember you. I heard that you were Tia's student. I never heard that, but apparently its because my mother… isn't my real mother. But something that was shocking, maybe to both of us, is that… Tia is my grandmother. For some reason its a secret, I haven't figured out who she is. The reason she got captured was because of me and my brother… The truth behind who Tia is, why she saved me…. I don't know. I didn't know why she kept it all a secret. But I thought you might know something, so if you do please tell me. Please. I need to know… To find out who I am. I need to know this to move forward. Who knows… maybe it will help us both. _

_Sincerely, Sarah_

I blinked. I felt like I couldn't comprehend it, so I read it a second time to really analyze the letter, to look at any hidden messages, or anything… Familiar, unfamiliar, whatever, just anything to either support it or not to support it. I didn't know if I wanted to accept the letter, or to throw it away without ever looking at it again, pretending it didn't exist.

I stared at the letter in shock. Sarah… was related to Tia? But she had a little brother too. I thought Tia only had one child. So was Sarah Katherines…?

_**Well at least it wasn't Kit kats **_**daughter**_**. That would have been nasty. **_

"You look spooked there Riss. You alright?"

I looked up to the green eyed blond above me. It seemed I was so out of it, I didn't even see Katherine walk in. I looked her over, medical supplies? How did she get ready for work so fast? Was I really so distracted I lost track of so much time?

I looked back down at the letter before looking up again, lips pursed tight. I continued to stare at her, still in shock of the possibility of her having a long lost family.

I shook my head and without really thinking of what I was doing, I began to fabricate a lie in my mind. I shook myself out of it, _lying_? Why would I do that to her? She deserved to know, why did I feel it was…?

I turned my head, and looked to her indirectly at the corner of my eye. "Hey… Katherine…?"

"Yes?"

"You never… I mean… What happened to your family…? I, uh. Do you have any?"

She immediately turned to me, and stared me down with her best doctor glare. You know, the one where you're like 'Yeah, I took my medicine every single day' and the doctor kinda looks at you and says sarcastically 'Yeah, I can tell… Signs of progress _usually_ include deadly vital signs after all'. I tried my best to keep a poker face, but it was too late as she snatched my letter, without looking and instead holding it up as if to keep it from me(Not that I wanted to keep it, she could burn it for all I cared), said "You never stutter unless you're keeping a secret from me."

This sucked, because usually I was incredible at keeping secrets from people. But after taking me out of the orphanage, taking care of me, and feeding me how could I not respect her? That respect kept me in line, so much so that I could hardly lie to the woman.

"Well… I uh… Y-you're right! How do you know me so well?" I laughed nervously, and she never broke eye contact. "You caught me. I...I have… A boy friend! Yeah! I-in Luin! I mean aaah, Asgard! Asgard!"

"What, do you think I'm stupid? You _never _go to Luin, and Asgard boys are _way_ too hard to get. All the girls want them! Trust me, I would _know _if _you_ were crushing on someone."

As she began to open it, I tried in vain to warn her against, but alas, I was still far too short even verbally.

"O-Y… Your right…! I…. I'm in _love _with him, I mean, er, sort of, love isn't really-!"

"Whats his name then?"

"Er.. Wh-wha-what? I mean… Er, his name is Gavani Calisto!"

_**Calisto as in the female sea monster and Team Rockets boss? Is that honestly what you were thinking about?**_

"... Eris, you realize Gavani is a girls name, right?" I gulped. She was using my actual name, which meant she was serious.

_Gavani is a girls name here? What the heck?_

"Well that's because its short for… Uh. Givian."

_**How is that 'short' in any way? You're busted! Ha!**_

"..." At this point she was reading the letter, and her 'You are in so much trouble young lady' face morphed into her 'Oh shit' face.

I waited silently for the verdict, fingers crossed. Would she kick me out? Or more likely in a world of mana and summon spirits and rebirth, she would go insane and join Yggdrasil, wind up being the final boss that ended up dying. Then the game would stop just as the character steps away from their dead form, never saying a word, and suddenly it just ends-

"Sarah….?" The woman's voice cut through my panic, and I sighed. _Oh boy_. "Sarah's… Alive…?" Katherine murmured, lifting her hands to her mouth as her eyes filled with tears. Her eyes turned to me, and I flinched.

"Why… Why were you going to keep this a secret from me…?"

_Ouch._

I sighed, looking down guiltily. "I wasn't going to keep it a secret… I was just going to hold on to the information so I could plan out how to tell you in the best way possible…."

Katherine left out a breathy laugh, "But Eris… She's my _sister_." I flinched at the pure emotion of that statement. Sarah was her _sister_, Her _family._ They were related.

_**Closer than you and Tia are now, I'm sure.**_

I flinched and looked down, Sarah was _alive_. I…

_I'm so selfish_ I thought, and the older girl sat in beside me on the bed, and grabbed my hands.

"Eris… I never wanted to ask, because you loved Tia more than anybody, but… What _exactly_ happened in Luin? The _whole _truth."

I lowered my head, and let out a sigh. The _whole _truth? But there was so many things that had to be left unsaid… The pure confusion of it all, the feelings it caused, the expression. It felt like everything that _caused_ it all couldn't be explained. And here she was asking for the _whole _truth, the truth that even if I wanted to, I could hardly tell... It would take a god to tell, a god to know. But there was only the goddess, a fake deity created for the self absorbance of a single man. All I had told Katherine was that her Grandmother was attacked by Desians on our trip back from Luin. She never prodded any further, thank the heavens.

I didn't want to be blamed. I already blamed myself, I couldn't take the shame from the only family Tia had left.

_Well, _I thought. _Not _only _apparently. _

"It… We were walking into Luin." I started quietly, almost hoping if I spoke quite enough, she couldn't hear me. "We sensed something was wrong right off the ba- I mean…" I realized baseball wasn't a Sylvarant thing, so I changed my words. "Not even a second after we got there. We walked into town and…" I took a deep breath. "Desians. Everywhere. They had two children hostage, and without saying anything Tia went in to save them. She failed, and she was… captured."

"C-captured?" the older medic murmured, voice shaky and eyes wide. "You mean… Tia might be alive?"

"I tried to save her… But I failed miserably…." I told her, lowering my head further. "We were saved by Balder and Chiron, Me and Sarah I mean. The boy and Tia weren't as lucky."

The girls face went back to normal, and she was now looking down at the letter thoughtfully, and I wondered if she wished the boy- her _brother_, made it out instead of me. When nothing was said, I continued. "I did _everything _I could, and I failed…I-I can't say I'm sorry, there was nothing to regret because honestly… I looked it over, and there was nothing I could have done in my state back then." I admitted. Her gaze sharpened. "But that doesn't mean I will ever stop taking responsibility for it. Everything you feel because of me is _my_ responsibility. I will do anytyhing to make it up to you. Even if you never want to see me again, or even it you've already forgiven me." I looked at her straight in the eye, because even though I was scared, Katherine deserved the truth, and _dammit _I was going to give it to her. "Katherine… I'll be better. I'll do whatever it takes so I'm strong enough to not let that happen again."

I _was_ sorry for holding the truth from her, yes. I _was_ sad for failing to save Tia. But most of all, I was sorry for being too weak in every sense of the word. I locked up my feelings to tolerate them, and in turn hurt everyone around me. It was too late to fix it though. I had lost Ann, Giles, Tia, and I might have lost Katherine as well.

However. Apologizing wasn't going to make her trust me. It wasn't going to make up for it. I didn't care about forgiveness… I cared about payment. I would _do_ something to make up for what I wasn't going to stop the Desians from doing the same things. It didn't _then_.

Its not like I wanted to free the world from them because they were suffering exactly. No, it was more of the people I wanted to last were affected by it. The Desians made everyone weak, so I would make us strong.

I talked big though. There was still a single lasting fear… There was still an unfair part of me that refused to leave, that I could only keep silent about, that I just couldn't simply _lock away._

_Please don't leave me,_ I wanted to plead. _I don't want to be truly and utterly alone… _

… _**Weren't we anyways?**_

But I didn't need people. That's just who I was labeled as… Right?

_**Exactly.**_

"Eris… Thank you."

I stiffened, and watched her as she smiled, although teary eyed, completely and utterly _sincere_.

_Just as sincere as her grandmother._

_**But how sincere can it **_**actually** _**be?**_

"I'm sorry to tell you this… But you need to write her back… You don't need to go back to Luin, but… Write her back." Katherine ordered, now a stern, but soft expression on her features. "She deserves that much."

"You don't want to do it yourself?"

"Oh no." She said, pointing at me. "She wrote _you."_

.

_Dear Sarah,_

_I cannot go to Luin at this time to answer your questions as you asked me to. I can however, afford to write you a letter to answer them. It wouldn't be fair of me to keep this from you, and if I have the power to make something easier for you, I have the responsibility to do it._

_I remember you also. I didn't get to speak to you much, due to everything that was happening. Yes, I am Tia's student. It has been this way for several years now, and even though she hasn't been around, her memory still inspires me as a teacher should. I'm sorry to hear that your family life right now is confusing, so I completely understand that you're looking for any connection to your past family. I lost my family long ago to a terrible accident. I was very surprised to hear that Tia is your grandmother, but I would believe it. She has a very large heart, enough room for an infinite amount of people. _

_I do have some information, regarding Tia. There are many things I could tell you, although none can convey truly just how amazing your grandmother was. The foremost information I should reveal to you is this; Your elder sister, Katherine, is alive. I'm not quite sure just how you're related exactly, but I know you both have the same mother. _

_Katherine is planning on visiting you soon. I'm not sure when, but soon, judging by the way she's fervently packing. _

_We live in Palmacosta, Tia lived here with Katherine quite some time ago. Last Tia told me was that her daughter lived in Asgard twelve years ago, but I have never met her myself, and I'm not sure how valid the information is and just who she is to anyone. So it's not much information to go off of. _

_Thats all I can think of that is necessary for you to know. I travel much, so I can't guarantee I will get your letters soon after you send it. If you have anymore questions that is._

_I apologize in advance if this does not satiate your desire to know more about Tia. I hope you grew up well after the tragic incident all those years ago, but since you're looking for closure I assume you've grown up rather nicely for your predicament. Although its a pleasure, there's not much more I can think of to say._

_Hope I don't see you too soon, Eris_

_P.S. I hope your right. Maybe this will help us both to heal, and keep Tia's memory. _

.

I had a dream that night. A dream I often replayed in my head, but never remembered why.

I was fifteen at the time(In my first life), right before I was caught in a rockfall. I barely survived it, and I was out of commission. It wasn't like what happened with Anna, rather I was _underground_. It was scarier than falling from high places, and I came out that day with a harsh fear for tight spaces. I received therapy later but…

Anyways, there was another dream as well. Of my past life again.

I was standing in a blue dress around a table in front of a couch that my grandma sat in, grinning nervously as I held a scarf we tried sowing on the old and worn couch as I spoke to the older woman. Although it was hilarious how butchered the attempt was, I was sad I failed so badly. I wanted my first attempt back, so I didn't _have_ to start over, but I couldn't. But the fact was, I _could_ start over. So I was also hopeful.

I felt a breeze in my clothing. The clothing I wore in my dreams at least.

_**They were uncomfortable. **_I heard a voice comment in the back of my mind, and I laughed a bit as I watched on in my dream. It _was_ uncomfortable, but my grandma made it, and it was cute. It was actually a Oshawott dress. Pokemon, she made it for Christmas. My grandma was awesome.

I suddenly felt sad. I wanted it back. But I shook my head. I made a decision, I was going to see it through, to the illogical bitter ends. _I _took my life, so _I _was going to live through the new one given to me that time.

We continued stitching for the rest of the dream. Truthfully, I would have given up, if not with my grandmother. She taught me to keep trying, because at the ends of that week, I had a scarf that was decorated with leftovers from our... _My_ previous failures.

.


End file.
